I’ll never forget feeling like I was no good…

… I’ll never forget.

Sometimes it’s engraved in me. Some days I can see it, like rewatching a movie for the 90th time.

I’ll never forget.

There were times when I would cry so hard I would throw up. I would cry laying right next to him and he would continue to sleep. Not have a care in the world. One time he woke up and asked that I cried a little quieter because he had to be up early for work. It never seemed to matter. My feelings would be destroyed with out a care in the world and I was the problem when I cried my eyes out.

I’ll never forget.

One night. This night in particular that it happened. One of my nightmares was happening. It happened to me. It happens to many, but it happened to me; with someone who said that they loved me. But it happened. One night he assumed that the way to make me happy was to be sexual. And that indeed was not the time nor the place. He proceeded to pull my pants down and as I was telling him to stop. He kept going. I was moving and wiggling. But he wouldn’t stop. He proceeded to force me to lay there as he was orally assaulting me.

He wouldn’t let me move until I came to the height of my orgasm. I felt ashamed but that’s what our bodies do. I was laying there, squirming, not making a sound. I didn’t want it. I didn’t want him.

I laid there. And my body did what it was supposed to do in a natural reaction. As I forced it to end quicker I just had to take it. I had to force myself to get there so it would drop quicker. And I cried.

I just laid there.

He was finished rolled over and went to sleep. I got up. Cleaned up. And went and sat in my car and cried for about two hours straight. I just cried.

I’ll never forget feeling like I was no good.

He knew. He knew everything that I had been through. He knew what I was battling with every day, and he chose to be…. the next one to hurt me, in that way.

I cried for two hours straight. I went back to bed and he was sound asleep as if nothing happened. And that was the beginning of the end for me.

And 12 days later…. August 8, 2014 happened.

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