📸 Breez Sapphira @brzsapphira 🖤
All is fair in love and PTSD…
So, I have love.. and I also have PTSD. And sometimes those two things just simply do not mix.
I was in an abusive relationship for two years. And 1.5 of it was insane. The first 6 months was just the honeymoon phase and then everything changed once month 7 started.
Having PTSD was already written in me like it was written in my DNA. So to make it worse from more mental, physical, and emotional damage is hard.
Anyway, I came home last night and started cooking. And I was making chicken, shrimp, and sausage gumbo. I walked away from the stove for a few seconds to use the restroom and when I came back the pot was over flowing onto the stove. I immediately panicked and was absolutely terrified.
My anxiety started to rise and as I knew the time was getting closer for my boyfriend to walk in I was just getting more and more anxious. I was shaking by the time he walked into the door. And I was embarrassed. I was still cooking and he walked in said his hellos and didn’t even notice. So I got even more embarrassed. It’s so silly, and that’s why I was embarrassed. He looked at me and asked me what was wrong and I told him that I had to admit something.
I said “I have to admit something. I know this isn’t you… and that this isn’t how you would respond. But I was terribly afraid that you were going to be angry with me and that I was going to get in trouble….”
He said “trouble for what….”
I said “because I spilled on the stove and I was frantically trying to clean it up and I was scared and my PTSD kicked in and I was just scared I know it’s silly…..”
He looked at me and said “you mean the stove you just finished cleaning?”
And I was completely embarrassed that I responded like that. But it’s just something that was triggered inside of me. In my abusive relationship I was always getting yelled at, I always saw anger, I was never doing anything right. So I freaked out. I triggered myself and I was shaking with fear. I was so scared. And it was silly.
He asked me what I needed from him. And I told him that I needed for him to tell me that everything was okay. And he did. And it helped.
PTSD is a real thing… so is anxiety. And I have learned that anxiety isn’t rational. And I had an entire PTSD trigger get a hold of me and my anxiety kicked in. And I couldn’t handle it. And it’s a sad thing.
I get really embarrassed because he shouldn’t have to deal with it. But the reality is, he does. He does deal with it. Because I have to relearn how to be loved and how to love that isn’t toxic or unhealthy. I have never had a healthy relationship. So this being the first time, I just have to relearn how to give my love and how to receive love.
Love is something that has always been difficult. It’s been difficult to trust. In any relationship. Not just romantic. And so when I am learning how to do things in a healthy capacity it can also be very overwhelming. I’ve only known chaos for most of my life and so when you are trying to relearn something that you’ve know for 24 years it can be intense.
I used to cling to people and attract people that were negative because I thought that is what I deserved and what I was used to. But I had to have a deep realization that I indeed deserved more. So I have had to cleanse myself of all things negative and all things that shouldn’t be for me.
But again… when you have people who truly love you and care about your best interest, it is foreign. A lot of this is foreign to me. But I love and appreciate the fact that people are willing to love me through my anxiety and my PTSD.
Everyone deserves love. To know what it feels like to have irrevocable love. Incredible love. Love that doesn’t come with terms and conditions. And love that doesn’t require crying your eyes out at night. Love that doesn’t have you contemplating your existence in the morning. Love that makes you realize that all the pain and all the torment taught you that you deserve to feel love in the most incredible ways.
All is fair in love and PTSD. As long as you love yourself through it. And allow others to love you through it to. 💜