This selfie was taken October 18, 2015…
And many people know that I have suffered with some pretty annoying health issues, but not many know that my hair was my BIGGEST insecurity. Growing up I hated it. At first it was so long and so pretty. And then I got a permanent relaxer and it ruined everything. I also grew up not really knowing how to do my hair, and as a colored girl, our hair is simply different. All types of different.
Anyway, but my hair was always the biggest insecurity of mine. I never felt cute, or pretty, or beautiful with it. It was always so messed up. I loved having braids and I loved wearing weaves sometimes, but honestly in hindsight, hair is just NOT for me! LOL! I mean nowadays I can throw on a wig but I am not committed to keep it on 24/7. I am an equal opportunity wig snatcher! Okay! haha
Back to the story. Growing up after my first sexual assault I didn’t want to be attractive anyway. I didn’t want to be found attractive, I did not want the attention (I will elaborate in another blog post soon!). SO hiding behind my hair was really easy. If it wasn’t cute, neither was I, and no one paid attention to me. Perfect!
Well alongside being ashamed and not wanting to be attractive I had this skin condition on my scalp for as long as I could remember and being in Colorado, the weather is dry af! So that does not help either. Well one weekend I spent a whole entire day braiding my hair into individual braids and it took me 11 hours to do. The very next day I was in the restroom putting my hair in a bun and one of the individual braids fell out from the scalp! I was so mad. And then another one fell out! From the scalp!! And so I am standing there looking at my hair line and it is really dry and in some spots it was cracking and bleeding and I was so embarrassed and annoyed!
So I went downstairs and I talked to my parents for a few about my hair situation. I was freaking out. And all I could think was “what am I going to do?!”. Well I went back to the basement (I lived in the basement) and I started to take out my braids that I had spent 11 hours on. By the time I was done I washed my hair and I dried it and I cried the whole time because I just could not get a comb through my hair. To save my life, and I was so angry! So I finally gave up. At that time I thought I was getting into the Air Force so I was thinking to myself “Fuck it, I don’t need hair anyway.” So, I got in my car, drove to Wal Mart got a pair of $20 clippers and I went back to my house.
I stared in the mirror for about five minutes, not having the balls to chop off my hair. So I began by taking scissors to my hair since I couldn’t even get a comb through my hair. I cut it short enough so that if I didn’t like it, I could put it back in individual braids. Well, shockingly enough. I LOVED IT! I was like “oh hell yes!! I can do this!”.
And at that very moment I took the clippers and I just bic’d my shit allll the way off. It was gone. And I had NEVER felt so beautiful in my life. I washed my scalp and I could see the damage that occurred to my scalp and I smiled because there was a new beginning for me. For the first time, in such A LONG TIME, I felt so beautiful. And I could feel the weight on my shoulders release. I had eliminated the one thing that I always hated! And now that it was gone I was so happy!
The next day I was so scared to go to work though because I didn’t know what my employer was going to think, the owners who worked at the building, or my boss! So I was really scared. I put on this short black wig and I went to work. I pulled my boss into the office to show him and tell him. And he loved it. But I was still so scared. So I went back out to work for about 10 minutes and then I changed my mind. I went to my car, took off my wig. And I walked around at work (I was a security officer downtown Denver).
I never thought that letting my hair go would lead to so much more confidence in myself and who I was. And I truly felt like the song ‘I am not my hair’ by India Arie. ❤️
And to be honest, I do not think I will ever grow my hair back! I absolutely love barely having any!
And it taught me how to love me better. It shined me in a different light to myself. I had to learn how to love this bald woman and everything that I come with. And I am so happy that I did it! In a sense it was me releasing all the bad things that came with me having hair. All of the negative memories that came with me having hair. It was gone.. in an instant! And I would DEFINITELY do it again!