The thing that I have taught myself over the last year or so is that I do not have to be silent. Often times a person is viewed as miserable, never happy, always complaining when they want to speak up about what they feel. And I have chosen to no longer be silent when it comes to things that is not bringing my satisfaction. I do not have to be silent. And at this point, I have been quiet my whole life… I refuse to be silent anymore.
The reason why I started this blog is to give myself a voice. And give myself the opportunity to speak about things that do not always make people comfortable or happy. And I am finding that out in relationships as well, any form of relationships; work relationships, personal relationships, friendships, etc. I have found that I do not need to be quiet about these things even if it makes someone else unhappy. Now, when I say that I do not need to silence myself, I mean in a respectful way and a way that is constructive. I refuse to not allow my feelings to be taken into consideration. We all want to be treated a certain way and we all want our feelings to be acknowledged.
Coming out of a two year abusive relationship where I literally feared speaking up and speaking my mind, was hard. But that opened my eyes to the fact that I should no longer have to feel fear when it comes to things that are hurtful to me. So I decided that moving forward in any relationship, I was going to stand up for myself. I have to be able to stand up for myself. If something is going on that I do not like, I will speak about it. I had to stop fearing the consequences or how the other person was going to take it. I sat and watched everyone voice how they felt about me, how they were disappointed in me, how they didn’t like a behavior, or when I genuinely did something that hurt someones feelings they would express it. So why was I painted as the bad guy when I expressed how I felt?
I stopped fearing the consequences. In ANY and EVERY relationship that I have, I am going to speak up if I am not being treated in any way that I should be. I have to be able to allow myself and the other person that it may concern the opportunity to express and receive how I feel. I cannot simply be silenced anymore. Being quiet in life has done nothing but cause me more pain.
However, going back to my original point… coming from previous abusive relationships where if I would speak my mind that I would have to pay for it by being neglected, or hit, or verbally attacked, or cheated on. So it is something that has taken time for me to allow myself to speak up on any and everything with any and everyone. Like I said, the relationship with another person does not matter, what matters is that you take your self worth and your feelings into consideration when dealing with relationships and self love/self care.
The more that I move passed all of my emotional debris it makes me realize that I never knew this existed before. I would always be quiet when I didn’t like things or when things made me uncomfortable with a fear that accompanied it, and I was never sure what that exact fear was. Until now (being the last year). And in realizing that, I have to be able to speak up for myself because it causes more harm than good. If I am surrounding myself with genuine people and have people in my life that are intending to cause more good than pain, I should not have to be quiet. I should not have to not allow people to know when I am being treated in a way that I should not.
The largest piece of this is speaking up in my personal relationship. If I allow the things that scare me to take over then I am not going to grow in my relationship with my boyfriend and he will not be able to get to know me or understand when something happens and I do not like it. I have to allow myself the opportunity to speak up without fear. And that means that I am also giving my boyfriend the benefit of the doubt and not grouping him in a category with my exes. I am not placing all of what I have been through before and I am not making him pay for something that he has not done. If he does respond in anyway that is with violence or abusiveness then I realize that I am not in a relationship that is productive or healthy. I have yet to experience those things in this relationship and that shows the character of my man and the character of me to allow him to behave as my man and as my significant other.
Holding onto the things that I have encountered in the past is not productive to me because it brings that negative energy with me and it allows room for that negativity to seep into my relationships and I do not want that. This journey is giving me room for self growth and an opportunity to view others as human beings, genuine beings, and people who have my best interest at heart. I cannot say it has been easy, as most things growing out of old habits, behaviors, and things that were done to me, is never easy. It has been hard. I have had self battles all the time, but I have realized how much more beneficial it has been to myself when I defend myself and when I speak up for myself. So I will keep speaking up. Because in the end, if I am not allowed to do so, that is abuse and I no longer tolerate it.
I also had to make sure that when I speak up and defend myself that I do not hold on to it. I do not let it linger, I don’t let it go any further than me addressing the problem. If at that point the person gets to decide how they want to handle it. But I will no longer harbor any ill will or feelings that I do not need to keep held within me. If the person doesn’t understand or want to fix it, that is on them. If they want to respond in a way that is negative or in a way that causes harm, then you realize that is not the person for you. Again, in any type of relationship. I am no longer going to allow anyone to walk all over me and me not address any type of feelings that I have. My feelings are valid. My feelings are meaningful. And I have to take accountability for how I feel.
I will no longer be silenced. 💜