This is such an interesting topic because these two things have always been an issue for me. And like most people who have endured such things experience the same issue. For the longest time. I thought that I was “broken”. And by broken, I thought I was never going to be able to achieve sexual satisfaction and an orgasm. Well, I went to therapy for awhile and I realized that when it comes to achieving an orgasm you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable in sex. Now this scared me given the fact that I have been sexually abused as a child and sexually assaulted. So I realized that I had another challenge to over come. I just thought I was broken. Which, in reality I knew that I was broken. Just not in that particular topic.
As I have said before I hate/hated being vulnerable. It is the number one thing that just I simply do not enjoy doing. For obvious reasons. Being vulnerable takes a lot of strength and a lot of self thought because after you have been abused it does not come easy. This also might be a sensitive topic for some as well as an TMI conversation for some as well. I mean, in general speaking of someones sex life can always bring some levels of uncomfortability but even some people simply do not care. LOL! BUT, I am writing this for those who have struggled like I have with vulnerability and allowing someone who deserves it to see you that way. It is without a doubt hard because there are levels to allowing someone to see you in such a vulnerable manner. And the first one comes with the word. TRUST.
Trust does not come easy when you have lost trust with anyone after being sexually assaulted and/or abused. It took me a long time to be able to find someone…..well he actually found me…. and be able to shed all levels of vulnerability. But that honestly came from within me. I had to take a step back and realize what I wanted and most importantly what I deserved. And by all means…every woman deserves an orgasms from within the depths of them. For men it is simple, there is only one way to achieve an orgasm. For women there are 3. And for most to achieve that 2nd or 3rd it comes down to really allowing yourself, trusting yourself and your spouse, and giving your body a chance to respond. It is scary and most women (sorry this one isn’t for the men) who have suffered sexual assault know that it is difficult to allow yourself that opportunity to be free.
Sexual freedom has changed my life. My sexual freedom began with me deciding when/who/how with sex. And then it slowly groomed into giving the person who deserves to see you in such a vulnerable state that freedom as well. And I have felt such a relief when I realized that it is okay to be vulnerable. It is okay to allow myself to let go. It is okay to allow myself to feel good in love and sex. I have given myself the opportunity for freedom with sex and vulnerability. And I believe everyone who suffers and deals with these issues as us survivors deal with, deserve to have that power as well. Sexual freedom is something that everyone deserves to have. Sex is apart of nature and when nature is altered and does not get to be received the way that it should be. It is truly sad. I have experienced some really horrible sexual experiences and since I was 4 years old sex has always been negative. There were a few times that sex wasn’t…… terrible. But sex never truly felt good. I could not allow myself the chance to truly relax and give myself the way I deserve to; safely at that. And since I was sexually abused at the age of 4 and it was my first memory, sex has not always been healthy for me.
As I have been sexually assaulted 3 times as well and one time told that the person told me that the  illuminati made him do it…. shit was brutal. (I will blog about that separately). Sex was always something that was just not natural. Sex was not okay. And sex was just something that could not be a good thing for me. Even when I allowed people close to me. My abusive ex I allowed to get close… but not that close to where I achieved my aha moment. As well as the person who truly broke my heart, I was allowed to only achieve that once… because after that he took my vulnerability for granted. With the current relationship that I am in, I had to make some personal changes as well as standing up for myself and speaking about what I like. I had to communicate these things with my significant other so that I felt safe. And he listened. This is the type of sex life anyone deserves to have. Us survivors deserve that freedom. 100%. And in doing so I had to stop being silent.
I had to communicate. Communication takes vulnerability. And vulnerability leads to sexual freedom. But sexual freedoms only happens when we allow ourselves to truly let go and to trust. And I KNOW first hand that is not easy. It has taken me 10 years to learn that. But I am glad I am learning that with someone who has taken the time to know me and taken the time to adjust with me. And that was only achievable by communicating my vulnerabilities. I am at a very happy place with my sexual freedom. I took control of what others tried to take from me. I have allowed myself to climb that hill to get back to the top of my sexual peak. I am young and I should be enjoying love, sex, life, etc. But in order for me to achieve this. I had to let go and become vulnerable. And I do not regret it for one second.
Vulnerability and sex after abuse and sexual assault can happen. And it happens when we decide to take ourselves back.
Let’s keep surviving.
