She who Be, because of her SILENCE

She who Be, because of her SILENCE. 

As far back as I can remember I was always told to not be vocal about anything personal. I was told to not speak about my sexual assaults or my child abuse. I was told that I should not speak of these things with the fear that the person who committed these acts would become angry. I learned for so long that I should be silent. And that who I was becasue of it. But that didn’t work for me. Me teaching myself to hold things in and push each situation and scenario to the back of my mind only made my mental illness tha tmuch worse. As I have previously stated, I was being abused sexually by siblings beginning at the age of 4. And I didn’t talk about that situation until I was 12. And that is a very long time to live in fear and not feeling safe. Once I told someone who was my caregiver (my birth mom) what happened, she didn’t do anything. She didn’t say anything, She made a small fuss, but she never confronted my half sister. And three months later she brought the situation up but never did anything about it. And so from a very young age I was taught to succumb to my silence.

She who Be, because of her SILENCE. 

After I was sexually assaulted at the age of 15 and I was in therapy and I was having to prepare to testify agaisnt my assailant, I was then told even more to keep quiet. Which was court mandated because of testifying, etc. But then after spending 10 plus hours on the stand tesifying in front of my assailant only to be told that the case was dismissed because it came down to he say, she say instilled my silence even more. It made me hold everything in. It made me think to myself “Why would I ever speak about these things when no one cares. No one wants to believe me. No one wants to help me”. So I kept quiet even more. I stopped going to therapy to talk about the pain and seclusion I was experiencing. I placed myself in a hole of emotions and retreated from any and everyone because there was simply no point in speaking, about anything. All I wanted to do was be heard. But it’s hard to get people to listen after all you’ve been told and shown is rejection and to further my silence. So I did.

…because of her silence. 

She who Be, because of her SILENCE. 

I slowly began to start speaking up about the things that I had been through because it was taking a toll on me mentally. I became the type of person who was depressed a lot and all the time. I was always stressed or worried about something.  I was anxious as fuck and I was making some irrational decisions. So I started talking about it. I started to speak about the things I had endured as a child. The things my birth mother had put me through. I began to speak about them. Slowly, but surely. I had to. But unfortunately I began speaking those truths to people who ultimately used them against me. I told those truths to people who were masters of manipulating and they used everything I had been through against me. And that made me want to silence myself even more. That placed me in a level of depression that I never knew I could reach. But, ultimately for me in the end, Silence was never meant for me. 

The more quiet I was, the more depressed I got. The more isolated I made myself. The less self discovery I was able to make. The more I was silenced, the more I was sitting in a corner crying and not able to release this pain, the more I was hurting myself.

I had to learn how to unsilence myself. I had to find a way that I could speak about the things that were hurting me because it was becoming insanely unhealthy. I had to find ways to communicate with my loved ones about my pain. I had to find a way to not feel shamed for my experiences.

I got tired of my family asking me, “Well why are you still holding on to these things? For gods sake just let it go”. I had friends tell me “Just be happy, there isn’t anything in life that bad that you have control over to be this unhappy. For gods sake just be happy and stop worrying about what you cannot control”. But those words did nothing but piss me off. How dare they say these things to me? How can I just move on if I haven’t been able to deal with them? If I was shunned for feeling? If I was told to be quiet and not talk about it? I was told that I don’t have to talk about things. But for me, yes the fuck I do. I have to talk about them I have to be able to get it out. I have to have the people in my life understand that I have been through heavy shit and burying it down within me isn’t going to make me feel any better or “move on” or “just be happy”. Depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc. are all real things and I had to choose to no longer ignore them. I couldn’t be, because of my silence. I just simply could not be anymore.

She who Be, because of her SILENCE. 

After awhile, I had to decide how I was going to speak up and out. All I can remember growing up was that I had to be quiet. I could not show any emotions. I could not tell any painful stories. I could not speak. I could not talk. I simply could not. And in that way that reminded me of how I was abused. How when I was abused, any of those times I was told that I need not say a word about it. Another form of silencing, abuse. I simply cannot tolerate an abusive mindset anymore. I can’t not speak because of the fear of making anyone else uncomfortable. I have spent my whole life being uncomfortable. So I simply cannot keep hurting myself and damaging my mental health to make others feel okay. When I am not okay. When I was not okay. When I suffered in silence for years because other people couldn’t handle it. How is that fair? That other people can’t handle it, so I must continue to be in pain instead? No. I refuse. I cannot be silent anymore. Especially in a world where these things are happening to our men and women every single day. Every day we preach mental health is important but then are so quick to shame and blame and silence those who want to feel like they have a voice; after their voice was taken away from them for so long.

Being vocal is different for everyone. Some are still in the shadows and that is more than okay. We cope how we cope, individually. For me, my mental health release is talking about it, blogging about it, writing about it. That is how I get through it. Educating others on what it is like to be a survivor. Educating my friends, family, and siginificant other on how to treat someone like myself. That is how I cope and I was not able to figure that or come to that conclusion until I was able to give myself the self love that I deserved. I just absolutely refuse to remain quiet. I have to speak up, I have to talk about it. It is what makes me feel better. I spent my whole entire life being silenced. I spent my whole life living in my own mind and thinking that I was crazy for what I had been through and that is absolutely not fair. At all. It is not fair to feel like your only way through is to be queit and suck it up. I simply would not be able to get through my depression without talking about it. I no longer could hold it in. It was not benefitting me and it was hurting me.

After my ex abused me, I refused to be quiet. I don’t care about his reputation at all. I cared about my life and what I had been through and absolutely did not deserve. After my ex I had to speak up because being someone who survived domestic violence was something I never thought that I would be saying. Domestic Violence was never something that I thought would happen to me. But it did. It happend to me. And I refuse to be silent about. Why do I deserve to sit here and be queit because I don’t want to hurt his feelings? Fuck his feelings. He didn’t care about me enough to not cause my to have excruciating pain and living with trauma for waht very well could be the rest of my life. I don’t care to be quiet. I am not doing this for anyone but myself. I do not simply care that this could potentionally make him uncomfortable. I was uncomfortable when he threw me into a kitchen counter. So he can be uncomfortable with me living my truth.

At this point we really have to stop making people who have been abused and battered feel like speaking up is not okay. We have to stop allowing survivors to feel like shit when they speak out. This abusive culture has to end. It has to stop. It has to come to an end. Why should I be ashamed and quiet for what someone else did to me? Why should I not speak out because it’s private? Why do I have to be silenced? It simply does not make any sense to me. So I refuse to silence myself. I just cannot remain being the girl who is quiet because it makes my abusers upset. I do not care. I don’t. And if I can speak up against them, it is what I am going to do to free myself from what THEY did to me. For what they chose to do to me. I am not going to be quiet. I am not doing it anymore.


She who Be, because of her SILENCE…… NO MORE!


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