I have had triggers for what I can remember as most of my life. I recall always being extremely sad or depressed in October through January. A little bit in February and again in June. There are times that I would notice something was off with me or wrong with me and I could never figure out why. But the more time that went on I would notice the way things smelled, triggered me. Hearing someone say something specific, triggered me. The feelings of the cold moving in and the memories associated with such, triggered me. Having nightmares at specific times, triggered me. Triggers are a real thing and it took me a very long time to figure that out.
This is the first year in a very long time that I was not manically depressed this trigger season. Except today! Two years ago, I had just had surgery on my nose from my domestic violence in a relationship two yeas prior. I was at the beginning of my trigger months and I was so depressed. I felt everything. I felt every single thing. I had gotten my heart broken again, I was feeling alone, I was feeling depressed and angry because I was having to actually physically and emotionally feel and somewhat relive the abuse I endured from my past. My trigger months hit me very hard. But during those trigger months I was allowed to feel that way. It’s okay to acknowledge feelings that you never knew existed before.
My trigger months were really bad. I remember sleeping for 36 hours straight. I was on a depression binge and I was at the lowest point in my life. And I did not realize that I needed to do something about it.
The holidays are always a hard time for me, it brings back incredibly difficult flash backs for me. It brings back some very hard memories and it is not that I want them to be there. But your mind and your body have a way of reminding you of things you suppress.
When I was younger, around the age of 17 I would get violent pains in my body. In the areas of which I was assaulted before. And it would completely disable me. It was horrible. As I acknowledged this and I recognized it, it helped me to move forward. But I had to acknowledge that such things existed.
Triggers are a really serious and they are real. So we have to be able to acknowledge that they do indeed exist.
Last night, I had some of the most violent and emotionally excruciatingly violent nightmares that I have not had in a very long time. And today I woke up not wanting to be touched by my spouse as well as being super depressed. And as the day has progressed I realize that this hurts so bad and feels so real because it is in my trigger months and I have not had such a reaction in my trigger months that I usually do. Unfortunately, it has taken an impact on myself and my spouse today as I mentioned I couldn’t be touched this morning and his main way of communication is touch. So worries have arrived on my end as my anxiety is through the roof. I have been fighting tears all day and I cannot cry because I have to work, but I plan on having a good cry tonight.
The reason why my nightmares is worse this time around is because the antagonist was the love of my life. And it was so vivid it has taken awhile for me to differentiate reality and dreams. I know that he wouldn’t do what took place in my dreams, but in the moment of waking up I couldn’t bring myself to have any involvement and I can only image what it’s like for him to feel that way (maybe I will do a questionnaire with him and post it on here). But, I can only imagine how he felt this morning and for that my anxiety is going through the roof. But, with the dreams it consisted of him sexually assaulting me and repeatedly beating me up. And another person was involved and I am not sure why, but he did the same thing to her. And when I woke up this morning I could not disassociate dream from reality and unfortunately it spilled over to him. I am wildly depressed today, but honestly, it is okay. I notice it this time around and I am working to gain control of it. It probably won’t be the last time during my trigger months. It is something that is just what happens sometimes.
I was not anticipating the severity of my nightmares or having nightmares at all because this trigger season has been significantly light. It has not been a bad trigger season until today. And now I am coping and trying to move forward. It is also my first trigger season in 4 years being in a relationship so I am trying to teach myself how to cope with my spouse being in the picture. I am still growing and I am still learning as time goes on in my personal growth story. But I think I might seek therapy again, so that I can learn to cope in these moments I have no control over.
I will keep surviving. But today, I indubitably feel like a battered woman.