This might be a little bit of TMI. But I share stories like these so that I can bring light at the end of a very dark tunnel.
After 10 years of December 5th being what seemed like hell for the last ten years. I can finally say that I have made it to the other side of this. 10 years seems like a long time but I keep reminding myself that healing is not an over night success.
Tonight I have reached the other side of this painful memory that resides on within me on this day.
I have looked forward to experiencing what I experienced tonight for a very long time. And I never though that I would see the day for this to happen.
Tonight, as scared as I was and as vulnerable I knew I needed to be, I allowed myself to make love to my boyfriend. Again, I know I said it was TMI, but, I need to share this story. It’s important. I was very hesitant. Although I always talked about allowing myself to get to the point where I was able to allow myself to turn this day into a good memory instead of a bad memory. And I finally was able to.
My boyfriend knew I was afraid and he treated me like nothing more than a human being. Something I cannot say of the reminder that I have on this day. He stopped and looked and me and says “you know how much I love you right?” “You know I would never hurt you”. And I had to stop myself from tearing up. But hearing those words and seeing how gently he was being with me. Showed me that this day no longer has to be a terrible feeling or a terrible reminder of the sexual assault that occurred. It took 10 long painful years. But the other side, is such a true statement.
I never thought I could feel such a way. And I never thought I would be able to see this type of happiness. But what I have learned through out this journey is that when we want things to happen, it most times does not happen. BUT when we are ready and life is ready for things to change and happen for us, it happens. And this is exactly when this is supposed to be happening for me. When I am ready. And I am for sure ready. I have done the emotional work and I have allowed myself the time to love me and now someone else is willing to love me too. And it feels absolutely amazing. I won! And I will continue to keep winning! I am happy to see that my trigger months are turning into sweet reality instead of bad dreams. 💕