I used to ask the ‘why me’ question all the time. I used to wonder, what is it about me that continuously attracts abusive people and abusive behavior?
I had to take a step back to realize that I was the source of what I continued to receive. There are several reasons that I will elaborate on, but first, I must say this:
This could be triggering because it may appear that I am saying that it is my fault that I was abused in my past. I am not in any shape or form victim shaming or victim blaming. That would be hypocritical and go against everything that I believe in. I am simply saying that we too, have our own toxic traits and we must recognize what they are in order to move forward and now allow any other toxic traits cause pain. Love, Nia Renee.
Okay so now that I have stated my precursor to this topic, we may proceed.
What were the sources of what I continued to receive?
A. Toxic Traits
B. Negative Thoughts/Energy
C. Victimizing myself by saying “why me” instead of “this happened, how do I never allow it to happen again?”
So I will start with…
A. Toxic Traits
I recently had a conversation with one of my best friends about our toxic traits. We are both Taurus’ and we are both very, very selfless when it comes to our time, love, affection, etc. BUT that became one of our most toxic traits. It became a toxic trait because we allowed people to continue to take from us, and take from us, and take from us. It became toxic because we were not receiving what we were giving. We were being used and we continued to allow us to be used, until it became far too abusive and far too deep to correct it.
We, more times than none have to look at ourselves and see that we, too are the cause of our own pain. I allowed people to take from me for years. I never gave myself the chance to see that people were taking advantage of me. And the cliche statement “taking my kindness for weakness”. But it is very true. I gave far too many chances to friends, family, and boyfriends/girlfriends (yes, I am bisexual and I will speak about that as well in a future post). I allowed them to use me and I allowed them to use my selflessness and use it against me. I shared a lot about who I was to people and in turn they used it against me to the point of breaking me. And that was a toxic trait. I had to realize that I am only going to reveal those layers of who I am to the people who deserve it and are not trying to manipulate me or take things from me.
Hindsight is 20/20. I realize now that I can recognize the traits of a manipulator BUT I would not have been able to learn any of these lessons if I did not experiencing what I had. BUT, in moving forward I cannot allow my own toxic traits to become my downfall.
B. Negative Thoughts/Energy
It’s easy to fall into a negative thought and negative energy pattern that can be very unproductive (I learned that from my best friend). And it is true, it is unproductive to sit around and say ‘why me’, ‘why does this keep happening to me’, ‘why did god do this to me’, ‘why can’t I just be happy’.
Now, before I continue. I AM GUILTY OF THIS MYSELF. I have done this more times than I can count. But, that was what opened my eyes up to the negativity that I was allowing around me, was because I was giving that energy off. I was allowing others to see that level of vulnerability and it allowed them to enter my life for manipulatory reasons. However, the energy you give off is the energy you will also receive. It is the energy that you attract. Once I rid myself of the negative questions and the negative energy I was able to attract amazing people around me, who saw me as someone to love, instead of someone to take advantage of. It is in my nature to want to help people and it is in my nature to nurture people. It is also in my nature to believe that people are a product of what has happened to them. But master manipulators like to make you believe that they are damaged due to things that have happened to them that are similar to yours. However, I allowed people too many chances to show me who they are. I should have believed them the first time. I gave too many chances and it hurt me in the end
I am a very selfless human being. And I pride myself on being a selfless human being. BUT, I also have to remind myself that it is not selfish to put yourself first in a very healthy way. It is okay to look at yourself and realize that you have to put your mental health, physical health, and inner peace first. THAT is not selfish at all. That is the most important part about self love is taking care of YOU. It is more than okay to say no to people. You will see the true intent behind a person the moment you stop doing everything for them. You will see if they are there for you or what you can do for them. Rid yourself of negative thoughts and negative energy and you will see who really belongs in your life and who does not.
C. Victimizing myself by saying “why me” instead of “this happened, how do I never allow it to happen again?”
I touched on this a few in my last few paragraphs but it is indeed without a doubt not productive. You are continuing the victim role when you ask yourselves these questions and pity yourself. Again, I will repeat that I am no saint to this because I have done it as well. But I realized quicker than anything else that me doing this to myself was not helpful. I was allowing myself to pity myself instead of doing anything to help myself. And once I allowed myself to wallow in self pity it allowed others to take me for a fool. It allowed them to find another loop hole into taking advantage of me and becoming a master manipulator in my life. It was allowing others to see a weakness in me and strike. This happened my whole entire two year relationship where I was abused. He saw my self pity, played off of it by what may or may not have happened to him, found an opening and laid into me and began his manipulation.
These are all true things.
These are things that happen on a daily basis.
These are all things that are happening to us because we do not realize that we are inviting this behavior in.
I would like to repeat that again, I am not victim shaming or blaming. I am simply educating due to my personal experiences and the changes that I have made to make for a healthier life.
These are self battles that we can overcome. These are things that we can make quick and easy changes to. We just have to be conscious in the the energy we are giving off and our own toxic traits. Once we recognize these we are able to thrive for self healthiness and love.
Battered hearts, we got this! Keep surviving.
