My heart is heavy and it has been for a few weeks now. I felt like I finally got to a place where I was completely happy without fear and without consequence. But, now I sit here depressed and questioning a lot of things because things seem to change in the blink of an eye. I am not sitting here feeling sorry for myself or asking ‘why me’, but I am sitting here sad. And that is okay. I am sad because I was genuinely happy and in the blink of an eye things changed at a magnitude that I didn’t anticipate. I was trusting that what I was feeling what legit and what I was feeling what real, and it was, but it seems that I have back slid.
I am anxious all of the time, I am exhausted and all I want to do is sleep. And that is because I am depressed again. I have been hit with a wave of emotions I never expected to happen, but it did.
I am back in therapy, and honestly I am really excited to get my mental health reevaluated and back on track. I am conscious enough to realize that I am in need of a mental health check up. But, I feel like I need more help from my loved ones. As of late I do not feel heard in my pain or my concerns and I am okay with expressing that. I am okay with expressing that I am hurting and I that I need for that pain to be recognized and acknowledged. I do not feel as if that is the case right now. And if it is, I am not seeing it.
I feel like in every aspect of my life I am walking on egg shells. Whether it is at work, or at home, or with friends, or with family. I feel as if I am having to hold back because I am anticipating something that may or may not be happening. But, that is how I feel, and how I feel has validity. What everyone feels that affects them emotionally has validity. It is how we respond to it that is going to make all the difference.
But, how I feel is simply that I am not being acknowledged. My pain and how I am feeling has not been acknowledged, at least not in the way I wish that it was. So as of late, I am beginning to feel alone again and I do not like that feeling. So how do I address it? I do not know. The only way I know how to address it is by writing. So here I am writing how I feel, yet again. I do not know what will happen next. But I do know that I do not want to do this alone.
I will continue to survive, always. But, I am currently surviving with a heavy heart. 💜