My heart is in recurrence to this disease….

My heart is in recurrence. 

My heart is in recurrence to what I have already acknowledged.

My heart is in recurrence due to having to relive some of the things I said I would never relive.

I am rehabilitating what seems to be a reoccurring issue.

I have gotten to a place where I must protect my space, my peace, my energy, my mind, my body, and my soul at any cost. And I must be strong enough to realize when it is time to remove myself from something that no longer serves healthy remedies. I must be strong enough to live within my truth and fully accept the things that I cannot change. And with doing so I must provide myself with the guidance from what I know is no longer conducive to my mental, emotional, and physical health. So, with that. I am in recurrence. And I can fully accept that I am going to have to battle an uphill battle to heal the scars that are left on my heart. Yet, another round of this dosage has been pushed through my veins. I have fallen back down to a place that I assumed would never be a place of refuge again. But the symptoms were evident, and I knew for quite some time that this flare up would turn into a full-on recurrence, but I kept high hopes that it wasn’t true and that quite maybe I was being a hypochondriac and that I was making up the pain that I was slowly enduring. 

I was living in a state of mind where I felt as if I was making things up. The signs, the red flags, the words, the emotions, the lack of emotions, the pain. I felt as if it was hallucination and I was simply living in a state of mind of the past and my ever-controlling PTSD. And anxiety, it has a way of tricking your mind into thinking something that is not there or really happening. I fell in a way of thinking that I was just making this up. But, all the signs and symptoms were there. Each time I had a flare up, each time I had a new symptom of an all too familiar feelings, every time I had an anxious pill sitting on my chest, I ignore it, because I simply thought that I was living in past muscle memory of something that happened in my past. But, in reality, I was living in a full-on recurrence. I am in recurrence. 

I assumed that I was in remission. Living in a place where I had rid myself of this cancerous behavior and allowed myself to enter a place of full on remission. I thought that I was there I thought that I was in a safe place where I was able to fall and land without fears of having to relive and recur. But, I was wrong. And to get back to remission, I must fully accept this for what it is. I must fully accept what has been done. And what has been placed in my space of peace. There were pieces of the disease lingering in my body that had eventually returned after flowing through my veins and slowly making its way back in to my organs. Recurrence, that is what I call it. I call it recurrence and trying to rehabilitate myself and return to a place of health, after this recurrence leaves my blood stream. But the first thing that is in order, is to accept it for what it is. And I can openly admit that being abused has gone into recurrence. I have to say it out loud to move forward and to heal. And I cannot do that until I acknowledge it for what it is


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