…. but I’m hurting. And I haven’t been quite gentle with myself. I told myself a very long time ago that I would never allow myself to be in another relationship that was…. abusive. In anyway.
I’m not heart broken by the loss of my relationship. I’m not heart broken or mourning the loss. It simply is what it is. It’s a loss, well not for me. It’s a win for me because I learned so much about myself and more importantly about my strength.
Most people find it incredibly hard to walk away from a relationship when they’re balls deep in the middle of a relationship that seems like a fairy tale, but is filling your veins with nothing but toxicity. Men and women do it every single day and eventually find the strength to leave when it no longer is conducive to their mental health.
But, I was able to find the strength, regardless of how fucking difficult it was to admit to myself and out loud that I had fallen into another trap of narcissism and verbal abuse. And that’s why I haven’t been gentle with myself. Because I am hurting. I hurt myself because I promised me that I wouldn’t be in this again. I promised myself that I would see the signs. And now I’ve reached a place that I don’t trust myself.
Again, not being gentle because you’re never going to see the truth in someone unless you’re really with them. But, I on the other hand have not been very kind to me. Because I’m angry with myself. I am beyond upset that I allowed myself to stay in something that wasn’t beneficial to my mental health because I was in love with the strongest of potential. I was in love with the idea and after awhile it really started to show its real colors.
So, moving forward, how do I trust myself? How do I trust that I will see the signs quicker? How will I be able to see it and walk away sooner and not just trust words. I kept telling myself that I was living in my past and that it was simply that, in my past. I kept hearing words of other people that were close to me saying I was doing the same thing. But that’s because I was making excuses for behaviors and for the words that were being said to me. I was again, hiding behind the fear of others telling me to leave. When I knew I should’ve. But I was in love.. with potential, yet again.
So how do I allow myself to be nice to me? How can I be nice and be forgiving and be understanding to me? Because I’m not heart broken over him. I’m heart broken over me, because I promised me I wouldn’t be in this place again……. yet, here I am.
So how do I forgive me? When I’ve already forgiven and forgotten him?