She wanted to be your everything. Every ounce of her energy was moved to be toward you, your heart, your mind, your body, your soul. Because she thought you deserved it. Turns out that she deserved it more. And that’s why she walked away. It was more important to become her everything than it was to become your everything. Your everything was never going to be good enough, for you. But it was great enough for her. So she put her shoes on and walked and hasn’t stopped walking since.
She wanted to be the dirtiest woman of your dreams. To make you scream and shout in pleasure and feel things that no woman has ever felt. But she wanted that in return. I mean, in reality you made her feel things she’s already felt. Fear, loneliness, uncomfortable, and unsafe. Because, your love…. you show love one way; anger. And anger isn’t love, because love doesn’t hurt. But she remembers sitting in a chair crying as she was being chastised for her lack of intimacy. She was being screamed at and shamed for her lack of physical connection at which she wasn’t displaying. She was made to feel as if she was broken, damaged, hurt, and living in her past damage. When in all reality her body was rejecting the love that you were giving. She was living in a place of fear, not freedom. She became shackled, a slave to love again.
She was yet again walking down this lonely road, barefoot, and feeling as if she was going crazy. She was feeling as if there was no way she was going to be living in this reality again. So she assumed it was something that she was living in her past. Because there was just absolutely no way she could be reliving what she promised herself she would never live again.
Potential. She fell in love with potential. She fell in love with the idea of what love could’ve looked like in your arms. But she woke up one day, when she realized that again, love doesn’t hurt. And once it began to really come to fruition, the pain, she had to choose her. Not potential.
Yet and still she tried. Because she placed the blame on herself. She placed the blame that she was the one who was messing up. She was the one who kept taking responsibility for what was happening even though it wasn’t her. It wasn’t her at all. She wasn’t the one creating fear in her space of peace. She wasn’t the one creating and reliving in a space that was all too familiar. She wasn’t screaming and yelling at herself. She was belittling herself. She wasn’t. But what she was doing was enabling this behavior. With a constant barrage of apologies and ways to make it better. With ways that she saw her doing something wrong, when she was not. She took on all these responsibilities when all she wanted was to love you.
All she wanted to do was love every inch of you. But all you ever did was make her feel like she was the problem. And that was not something that she should’ve done. So, she started to realize that that wasn’t something she should have done. So she refused to do it no longer. She refused to keep living in this place of constant fear. She stopped living in this place of constant hurt and shame toward herself. Because she was actually growing. And wanted to grow and was wanting to get stronger and passed the things that used to hold her back.
She became stronger through it all. She was hurting, but she chose pain and growth, over pain and being constantly torn down. So she chose her. And for that she won. She won. It doesn’t feel like it now, it probably won’t feel like that tomorrow, or even the next day. Hell, not even next month. But she won. She chose to live for herself. She chose to stop being in that situation. She chose to be her everything. And not yours. She chose her. And not you. And that’s something she has to tell herself every day. Because she thought you were different. She thought that you’d be the one for her. But she fell for potential. And potential is nothing to hold on to when your heart is on the line. Potential is nothing to hold on to when you can’t look yourself in the mirror or be the woman you were destined to be.
So instead of loving you. Choosing you. Being you’re everything.
She became her everything. And she took that power back from you. You no longer get to hold her back. And I’m sure that makes you really mad.
But it makes her soul really really fucking happy.
****this post was submitted by an anonymous survivor**** 💜ðŸ™ðŸ½
