****Warning, this may be triggering to some as the words are harsh and explicit****
- “You have a whole entire world of people stroking your ego, why the fuck do I need to be apart of that?”
- “Maybe if you could fucking comprehend what I am saying to you, we wouldn’t have this problem”
- “I just think to myself, fuck, why can’t I ever just have normal fucking sex”.
- “Maybe if you fucked me every now and then I wouldn’t take my anger out on you and wouldn’t be so fucking angry all the time”
- “In this moment I could fucking care less what happens to you once you walk out the door”.
Words. Words are more than just things that leave a persons mouths. They can be hurtful and they can be very very brutal to someones mental and emotional health. Those words above are words that have been spoken to me before, from previous situations that still stay with me. They still cling to me in a way because I can’t stop replaying those words, the tone, the condescension, the pain in my head. I can’t. And I work over time to make sure that I can reassure myself that I am not the words that were said to me above.
Most people do not realize that they are allowed to feel any way, pain, anger, frustration, annoyance. They are entitled to how they feel, but they express how they feel and how they use their words and ammunition and fire them at someone, is the problem.
And now I can’t seem to get these thoughts out of my head. I cannot stop hearing the words. They haunt me in my sleep. This is almost worse than being physically attacked. And I say that because I feel it on my skin, it follows me, it holds me around my hips. And I seem to be working overtime to fix what I didn’t break, yet again.
And I feel as if I have mentally lost it. I feel like I made this up, because there is just no possible way that I could have endured this, again. But I did. And these words hurt so much. They hurt so incredibly much. And it is something that I am attempting to work through. And it honestly is really hard working through alone. Reassuring myself that I am not the words that someone said to me. I am trying to make myself believe that I am not going to keep loving people who hurt me. I have to talk myself up to believe that someone will love me, for me. And not hurt me for the things that they are not capable of reciprocating. And honestly, if it is anything that I have learned is that, if you cannot reciprocate someone’s love, how they love, who they, and what they have been through; that is okay, and no judgements will be made on my end. But do not attempt to destroy me in the process of your own despair.