I used to think arguing back and forth every single day was normal.
I used to think that being talked down to was love.
I used to think that being pushed to the limit emotionally and to my boundaries physically was normal.
I used to think that being cheated on and having to “fight for my man” was something that I had to do.
I used to think that waking up in the middle of the night waiting for a phone call or a text message for my man not laying next to me was normal. I really thought and truly believed that if I stood up against what other females were telling me that my man was doing behind my back, that I would earn his love.
I remember sitting and contemplating so many times what true love was. And time over time again I believed that I was making the right decision for “true love”.
I also spent a lot of time thinking to myself that I wasn’t good enough. Why would anyone want to love me if the woman who gave me life didn’t want to love me? I spent a lot of time thinking the way that she treated was love. Tough love. But it was love. And that’s what I thought.
Up until what appears to be recently I have been spending a lot of time reflecting on what love is vs. what I thought what love was in my reality. And in all reality it wasn’t love. And the hardest thing that I’ve had to do and admit out loud is that it was abuse. All the love I’ve ever know, excluding my father, my mom (step mom not birth mom), and my best friends as of late. I have only experienced abuse. I never experienced love.
That is a liberating feeling. But it’s also a sad harsh reality. I spend most of my time craving a love I miss. And missing a love I’ve never had. A conundrum to say the least.
But when you live on a roller coaster of an unsettling addiction to staying in and around things because it’s what you are used to. You have to have a wake up call. My comfort zone is abuse. Outside of my comfort zone is someone being nice and being happy. I have been shown that when I am happy and when I allow someone to come into my life and “treat me nice” they are going to hurt me. But what I’m really used to is people pretending to be nice and then I stay because I’m used to being hurt and that’s easier then being alone.
But, I have successfully reached a point in my life where I am happy and I am more than happy being alone. I don’t think I am ready to begin dating again. But the idea of it has struck my interest as long as I am able to remember all of the tools I have backing me.
- Paying attention to the red flags
- Not ignoring my gut
- And not listening to others negative opinion about me and my past which determines my future with a person
- Paying attention to signs of abuse (because they are there, we just have to trust ourselves)
I am choosing my future. And I am choosing happiness. And choosing happiness is realizing that I wasn’t loved before. But I am loving me now. And me loving me is grounds to allow someone else to love me… with love. Not abuse. Because abuse is not love. I am so happy and I am falling so incredibly in love with me. I never saw this day coming. But I’m doing the work. I am very happy.