I have spent most of my life going to get the love I never got from you. But instead I went and got the love I did get from you.
The men I’ve chosen. The women I’ve loved. The people I’ve had see me for the vulnerable mess that I was.
I sought out a love that you gave me. I sought out a love that you taught me. I sought out a love that I only knew existed.
And that was a pain from the knife that you fucking twisted.
I’ve constantly dated men like you. The men who only wanted to take something from me.
The men who only knew how to love off of fear and regret.
Men who saw me and knew they could take something from me.
They were all reflections of the love that you taught me.
It was you.
I wanted nothing but the love you gave me, from everyone else.
And the saddest part of it all is I got it.
Remember the time you dug your nails in the back of my neck and pulled my hair and made my neck snap back?
well it’s oddly familiar the way this one guy I dated dug his forearm in the same spot of my neck your nails were in. Telling me I needed to remember who he was and that he was the man.
Well, I blindly went back to that
Remember when you told me I was never going to be good for anything other than laying on my back?
What a coincidence. My ex only thought I was good enough for the forbidden fruit I could him between my legs. So I guess your words rang idly true.
Remember when you told me that I was going to be nothing but a whore?
Well it’s crazy. Because I whored myself out looking for the love that I thought I needed from you.
Turns out that wasn’t love at all. That was pain from you and hate for myself.
All of my exes minus a few. Turned out to be as bitter and abusive as you.
Turns out I was seeking the love you gave me.
Instead of seeking the love you didn’t.
You see, the love you didn’t give me was nurturing. Caring. Beautiful. Gentle. Safety. Kind. Uplifting. Soulful.
And that. That’s some shit that I’m so foreign too.
A love that’s real.
A love that’s true.
Remember when you told me I was never going to be better than you.
You played yourself.
Because I’m everything you aren’t.
And everything you wish you could be.
And the funny thing is…
… I’m giving me the love you never were capable of.
It sucks for you.
Because I see the other side.
You’re merely stuck with your painful reflection, with those sad tears in your eyes.
You don’t get to hear my sweet tender voice calling you mommy.
That’s an award you’ll never receive.
But here’s one:
I turned out to be nothing like the cold hearted bitch you wanted me to be.
I’m better than you, mama.
I’ve found a love I deserve, mama.
It comes from me, mama.
And the next man I love.
Will love me with the purest of love.
Everything you hated.
Every thing you couldn’t do.
But every way my daddy, showed me what a man should do.
One thought on “I went and got the love you gave me, instead of the love you didn’t…”
This truly hit home for me! It has been exactly what I had been living for so long and the pattern I’ve been so desperately trying to break out of. You know that the words of an abuser are nothing more than lies and manipulation, but never realize how deeply seeded that manipulation is until you are trying so hard to escape and the destruction that comes with it even after you think you are out of it.