I am feeling sorry for the woman who sat around and allowed a lot of behaviors into my life that I knew weren’t right for me.
I am feeling sorry for the woman who sat around and allowed the medical industry who took advantage of my ignorance for so very long.
But I am no longer sorry for me. That woman is no longer. That woman is non existent. She does not exist in my world. At all. I sat back and realized that simply just being sorry for myself and asking myself, why me, wasn’t doing anything beneficial for my life.
I was in a relationship where I was not being valued and I was being treated like a sex slave and like the only thing that mattered was that I was just there to physically please someone and who was not benefitting from what I was able to do for him physically.
I tried so hard to keep my birth mother around but in doing so that allowed her to bring negativity into my life that I cannot allow. It was something that was so draining to me. And it took me so very long to realize that.
I was feeling sorry for myself for the men I’d loved who weren’t capable of loving me and I kept asking myself, why am I not good enough? Why me!? I was feeling sorry for myself.
I was feeling sorry for myself. But feeling sorry for myself was what was allowing me to stay in those relationships, in those places, accepting those things. Feeling sorry for myself caused me to be that woman that would take any answer and would allow anything. And that is what needed to change. Not them because you can never change them. They won’t change. They will remain being narcissistic, abusive, and stuck in their ways. WE are the ones that have to change.
I have said time and time again that it is okay to feel the damage you have experienced, the trauma you experienced, to bring it to the forefront. It is absolutely okay to feel all the emotions that accompany it. HOWEVER, IF YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO STAY THERE. IF YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO CONTINUE TO MAKE EXCUSES AND JUSTIFY THEIR BEHAVIOR, IF YOU LIVE THERE. IF YOU UNPACK YOUR BAGS AND STAY IN THE ‘I AM SO SORRY FOR MYSELF’ HOTEL NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE.
I have never been the person to victim blame or victim shame. But, there is a thing called self victimization. Where we live in this same place of pain, excuses, sadness, depression and we aren’t doing anything about it. We are not being proactive to change it. And a lot of it requires being confident in yourself to realize that you indeed DESERVE BETTER.
My EMDR therapist taught me that we always teach others how we want to be loved. If we allow it then we are teaching them that we are okay with being treated less than what we deserve. We area teaching them that we are okay with being treated this way. So we have to teach them how we need to be treated and how we need to be loved.
That means that it all has to start within us. We have to teach ourselves how to love ourselves. We have to dig deep down within ourselves and realize what we deserve from ourselves. Let alone other people!
The things that I have learned the most about my self in teaching me how to love me is being gentle with myself. It is being completely gentle with my healing, my space and my time. I have also learned that I need to rid myself of negativity. And a big way of doing that is doing my psychotherapy with EMDR. I have become such a positive person with EMDR retraining my thoughts and my brain on how to see things from a positive perspective. I have taught myself self love. I have taught myself self care. I have taught myself positive mantras and telling myself how special I am and important and beautiful and strong. And in doing that as long as it took to believe, I believe it now more than ever.
I have taught myself that it is absolutely okay to feel. It’s absolutely okay to seek help. A therapist. Two therapist. Four. However many you need. It’s okay to have professionals assist in the process t give yourself the mental health care you deserve.
When it comes to dating I now am able to see quicker when I am not benefitting from a situation and not staying out of obligation or for the thought that he is the only person that is going to love me. I have taught myself that I would rather be alone than to ever be in a degrading relationship that causes more harm than good.
When it comes to my health I absolutely did not stop fighting for my care until I found medical professionals who wanted to take my health seriously. It was trial and error. Heart break after heart break but I wouldn’t let myself be sorry for myself. I wouldn’t let myself stay and be told that I was crazy. That I was just depressed or that I was just making the whole thing up and it was “Psychological”. I would not allow myself to be told NO. I did not take NO for an asnwer.
Grieve. Feel. Live. Breathe.
Allow yourself the time to get through your trauma in ways that allows you strength and growth.
Don’t allow yourself to stay in that mindset forever. Because you will only produce the same result.
Love you. Help you. Care for you. BEFORE YOU CAN CARE FOR ANOTHER. BEFORE YOU CAN LOVE ANOTHER. BEFORE YOU CAN TEACH OTHERS HOW TO CARE FOR YOU.
Don’t be afraid to put YOU first. It’s not selfish, it’s selfless.
TEACH YOU HOW TO CARE FOR YOURSELF.
Don’t get stuck in feeling sorry for yourself. Get lost in loving yourself deeply.
And remember, IF it wasn’t dramatic it DIDN’T happen. <3