I’m so sorry..

I am so sorry..

I hurt you

I ignored the red flags

I ignored the signs

I didn’t listen

I allowed others to get in my head

I allowed the thoughts and views of others including him to tell you on a continuous basis that I was living in my past and that my abuse is in my past. So, in living with that I allowed you to be abused and essentially treated as if you were their personal sex slave. Because you wanted to be loved.

I think that it is important for you to hear this apology and to work through it with me. I think it is important for you to understand a few things and let me explain.

I do not think that you need to blame yourself for entering a relationship when you weren’t healthy. Because whether entering this particular relationship healthy or not the same results would produce. Because, there would possibly be a time in ‘sickness and in health’ that me being unhealthy would occur and that would produce the same result. Potentially later and potentially causing far more damage.

So, please stop blaming yourself for being sick. Stop blaming yourself for not knowing what your diagnosis was the duration of your relationship with this person. And stop blaming yourself now for thinking that it would have worked because it would not have worked. Someone who cannot handle when someone is unable to be sexual due to their physical state doesn’t deserve to have you during your healthy days. Being screamed at for your lack of sexual desire because of your insane headaches, body pain, fatigue and extreme exhaustion is someone that does not deserve you.

Please hear me out with my deepest and sincerest apologies for allowing you to be treated as if you didn’t deserve more. That you had to accept any type of behavior that wasn’t love, because you didn’t think that you deserved better or that you would get better. I hope you can understand that I am so very sorry for allowing you to accept less than what you deserve.

I am so very sorry.

I am very sorry for trying to convince you that there was hope in something that I knew would crash and burn from the beginning. I am very sorry that I was too naive to see that I was being manipulated by not one but two people pushing me to get passed my past, that I was not living in it. I wasn’t living in past abuse if I was actually being abused. And abused on a continuous basis.

I am also very sorry for not listening to you when you told me time and time again that it was not a safe place for me to be. When you told me that you weren’t happy and that you weren’t safe and I told you that if we just stuck it out until I got healthy, it would be fine.

But it wasn’t fine. It was not safe. It was not okay. It was not the place for you to be. And for that I am so very sorry that I allowed you to be manipulated, abused, and treated like a random whore. I am so very sorry. And I hope that you can forgive me. I hope that you can accept my apology because hurting you was the furthest of things that I ever wanted to do.

What I wanted… what I thought… what I held on to for so long was the fact that I thought that he was the one. That this was the forever that you dreamed of that you started to ignore the signs because you thought you were making it up in your head. And you were not making it up in your head. You were not living in the past. You were not living in it at all. It was all happening. It was all happening to you. And I am so very very sorry for not realizing sooner and for not walking way sooner than I did.

I am so sorry, Nia Renee. For what I did to you. I am sorry. And I hope that we can move passed this. And we can move on from it. We have much bigger battles. And so I promise that we will get through them. One day at a time.