In sickness and in health

I know we weren’t married.

But that’s what we were working for.

And if you couldn’t handle in sickness and in health as a boyfriend. How could you handle it as a husband?

I was in sickness when we met. Although, at the time we didn’t know what it was. It was a bunch of questions. It was “oh she has fibromyalgia…” and it was “oh she pees a lot and has bowel issues”. It was “damn she is tired all the time. She doesn’t ever want to have sex”.

That’s what it was. And there was never a time where you were ever nice about it. If it didn’t correlate with your sex schedule. It didn’t matter. I was an inconvenience to you. You saw it as me not loving you. You saw it as me not wanting to physically please you. Rather than what I was going through, it was what I was incapable of doing for you and doing to you.

My illness was seen as a weakness. It was seen as my abusive past being the reason why I wouldn’t let myself have sex with you. Perform intimate acts with you and on you. That’s all it ever was to you. That I couldn’t have sex with you.

You wanted the in health portion of a relationship. In sickness and in health.

You wanted the in health and never the sickness.

And that’s what hurts. It hurts because for so long I’ve blamed myself and felt guilty for an illness I didn’t know existed until recently. But, that doesn’t matter. I was sick. I am sick. And instead of being patient. Instead of being kind. Instead of understand that days where my head was pounding out of the back of my skull; sex was/is the last thing on my mind.

I live in constant chronic pain. And sex wasn’t the first thing that came to mind for me. Sex still isn’t the first thing that comes to mind with me. And being yelled at on a repetitive basis about me not longing for you. Me not wanting to have sex with you. Me not doing what is “natural” only made that desire non existent more than it already was non existent.

I have a brain disorder. My brain is literally trying to escape from my skull. Which accounts for my headaches that cripple me, my bowel and bladder issues. My “fibromyalgia”. My chronic fatigue. My exhaustion. I have a brain disorder and it’s called Chiari Malformation. I have to have brain surgery in October.

My pain was real. My sickness before health was real. It IS real. It isn’t something that was masked by my abusive past. Only amplified when triggered by being verbally abused on a continuous basis. So my lack of sex. Is because my pain is far more of a priority where my sexual appetite doesn’t even exist.

My sickness before health was real.

And you minimized it with your own selfish needs and your own selfish behavior and your selfish ways. You cared nothing about any of the things that I dealt with. And still deal with. I walked away because the verbal abuse of my physical illness not being able to please your physical needs.

I walked away because you didn’t care.

And if you couldn’t love me through my sickness.

You damn sure don’t get to love me through my health.

I wish that pain didn’t still exist of me not being good enough for you to treat me like a decent human being. But I guess the reality of the situation is that I’m too good for you. I’m too good and deserve far more than someone who only saw me for sex than someone who didn’t see my as a person. I’m not a fucking sex slave. It’s not my abusive past. It was my sickness. My illness. It was what I battle every single day. Not what you minimized it to to make yourself feel better at trying to get me to pity you because I “wasn’t over my past” and wasn’t allowing you to love.

No. Love doesn’t hurt. And I wasn’t withholding my love from you because I couldn’t fuck you.

In sickness and health.

That’s what people say in their wedding vows.

To love someone in sickness and in health.

And I guess what you showed me was how to love myself in sickness and in health. While I was neglected.

I am not to be treated well only when I can benefit someone. And get treated like shit when I cannot benefit someone.

Right now I am in sickness.

But I damn sure will be in health.

And you’ll have to suffer and watch when another man gets to love me through my health. And not damage me through my sickness.

I deserve so much more than that.

And I promise myself that I will get it.

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