It appears that I’m so fucking desperate for love that my mistakes continuously catch up to me because I accept any kind of love.
I mean historically I have chosen the bad guy after the bad guy after the bad guy. And that is because I have abandonment issues. And my abandonment issues stem from my lack of love from my birth mother. And my lack of love from my birth mother has caused me to associate love that she didn’t give me with the love I don’t receive from men.
But I think the factor of love is even deeper than that. The pain has lingered long enough that I’m so fucking desperately needing someone to just love me so unconditionally so that I won’t second guess that it exists anymore.
I have my father. I have my best friends. I have people in my life who have shown me that platonic love does exist. I have those people in my life that have shown me how to love myself and be okay with everything that is unapologetically me.
But I have never had a man come into my life and whole heartedly love me without attempting to destroy me in the process which brings me to the point of, I’ve never been loved. Because the aforementioned is not love.
I also get in these phases where I get really excited about a new prospect in my life. Only to continuously tell myself to not get too excited, to not get too engaged, too energetic. I tell myself all of these negative things because I am preparing myself for disappointment. And it’s not the energy I should be putting out. Because ultimately that energy will be accepted by the universe and the universe will pick it up and it will happen.
Disappointment.
Something I know all too much. I am back in that phase in my life where I am past the point of desperation. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to feel that type of love. That type of happiness. That type of satisfaction where you work hard at it every day. I deserve it.
And I know you are supposed to wait for love. “The right man will come in your life at the right time”. Blah blah blah.
But haven’t they ever heard of craving something they’ve never had? It becomes and addiction waiting for it. And the longer I wait for it the lower my faith in it gets.
I’m trying.
But I’m so fucking desperate to be loved that I’m almost ready to give up… completely.