THIS ONE’S FOR MY CHIARI WARRIORS AND MY DEPRESSION FIGHTERS 💜
I know it has been awhile since I have posted a blog… and I anticipate more sporadic posting until I can find a way to be more consistent. With the climate of the world, how heavy it is, what is happening every single day…. it is a lot. Being an empath is difficult…
On top of still recovering from 3 billion surgeries.. things are very slow and hard to process.
Today is about a month out from my brainiversary (my brain surgery date) and it will mark one year since having to have it. And I know a lot of people who are less empathetic question why I would be depressed when I survived?
It’s not that I survived that I am depressed about… it’s the memories, the flashbacks, the PTSD, the nightmares waking me up at night, the pressure changes causing my head to hurt and feel heavy, the feelings returning, reliving all of the moments leading up to brain surgery. THAT… is causing depression. THAT is causing me to be down. And it is something that I am fully ready to embrace because I shouldn’t ignore the feelings that I am currently feeling.
I was driving home the other day and I literally said out loud “holy shit I had fucking brain surgery”… it is something, even almost a year later.. that I am still having so much difficulty grasping and understanding. I am so so so so so forever grateful that I survived. I am so grateful that I made it and to be able to sit here and type these very words. But I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt…. because it fucking hurts. And I am still so incredibly angry. I am so angry…. still to this day.
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I had to take a break I was full on sobbing into my computer…
You see, the thing about depression is, it literally never goes away. It can be triggered at any moment, at any time, for any reason at all. And learning how to manage it is the most important thing. What works for me is allowing myself to feel it, acknowledge it, process it, grasp it, and move on. That is what allows me to be able to get past that hump that is causing me to stay down. And with this situation I haven’t been able to process it or grasp it. It is something that is still completely unfathomable. It is something I still cannot quite wrap my head around. I cannot do it. No matter how hard I try. I feel like I might spend a lifetime trying to wrap my head around this and how this feels.
I am sitting here trying to believe the words that I am writing. Here I am… one month away from being at the one year mark and I still simply cannot believe this is something that has happened to me.
The weather is slowly changing and yesterday it felt like I was in Detroit, Michigan. The place I had my brain surgery and I immediately was completely taken over by emotion and in that moment I succumbed to my depression. A simple change in the way the wind blows. That little chill that accompanies the wind as the sun is beating down on you and provides a little bit of comfort from the sweltering heat. THAT…. THAT simple moment triggered my depression. That simple moment changed my whole world in a matter of seconds.
Those who do not suffer from depression, anxiety, invisible illnesses, etc. please don’t be so quick to pass judgement on those who deal with these conditions every single day. It is something that can change in the matter of a second…. or less…
So…. this is me. Vulnerable me. Sharing the deeper things within me and admitting that I am currently suffering from my own past/current trauma in a time where the world is hurting so badly. It’s a double edged sword. But I am willing to lay on it. Even if it only helps just one person.
And to those reading this and you are struggling… you are not alone. I am right here with you…. 💜
Love,
The depressed battered woman 💜
