On the inside looking, oh, where do I begin?
I feel like I’ve lost all sense of who I am on the outside because it’s starting to match what I feel like on the inside.
My insecurities are piling up. My mind is full all the time and my body feels so damn heavy.
And I know I should be thankful for the lessons that the scars on my skin have taught me.
And I know I shouldn’t be feeling as hopeless as I do. As if I the sun isn’t shining more often than it did before.
But then I’m still stuck on the inside.
I’m still stuck looking out of tunnel vision eyes.
Be I’m still stuck with that same damn question of….
…why?
And as I try and find the answer to why I feel like I dig myself in a much bigger hole of emotion. And depression. And frustration. And ANXIETY.
I feel like I’m stuck.
And on the inside looking out it just feels like I’m seeping away and back into the black hole of an abyss I was before it all.
Or was it during it all?
Or was it before my body comprehended what my mind felt? What was it?
I don’t know.
But in the mix of it all I feel so lost and stuck in the spiral of emotions and going down hill so fast without any sign of brakes.
So on the inside looking out I see the faces and I hear the words and I feel the vibrations that everyone just assumes because I made it… because I survived… that I’m okay.
And I’m not.
I’m fighting for my life every single day. Just as I had since the beginning of my story back in ‘93.
But I’m fighting.
Fighting for my right to feel utter happiness without the fear of pain coming through and ripping it away from me.
I’m fighting for my right to love.
For my right to feel emotions other than pain and agony.
But it’s more than that.
I’m fighting my bones. My soul. My mind. My brain. My losses. And my wins.
So on the inside looking out I can see all the faces.
I can see my reflection with that smile plastered on it because it’s what I do best when I feel trapped. I paint a pretty picture.
But I’m really curled up on the inside in a dark corner staring out at the world trying to figure out when my soul will be released and I can finally feel the freedom my body craves and desires.
But it’s fine. It’s me. The girl with the big smile. Although she cries so hard inside.
