It has been almost two years since I decided to leave you for my safety and for my mental health.
And now more than ever, I think about you……often.
But not like you think.
You see, since I left you I took my mental health more serious than ever. I went to see not one… but two therapist. I went to a talk therapist and I desperately needed to see an EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, which helps to process trauma and make it less traumatizing) therapist. And in doing so I realized what bonded you and I together. And with that realization it taught me to see the exact opposite of what I was used to.
trauma. Love caos. Empathy abuse. Gentle
I recently (four months ago) met the love of my life. And this man loves me through and through. He, however, unfortunately has to deal with the remnants of you. I often dream about him in the context that he is going to switch on me, like you did. I often think to myself that one day he is going to wake up and decide that I am no longer what he wants in his life, like you did. I often have these dreams. And in turn that causes me to think of you. And here’s why:
He treats me so incredibly different. He listens to me. He hears my fears and walks with me through them. He holds me instead of getting angry with me when I am depressed or sad or triggered. He takes the time to know me. He doesn’t threaten me with fear. He doesn’t scare me. I don’t react out of fear with him.
With you it was the exact opposite.
I am not used to being treated with kindness and love. Instead I am used to anger and violence.
He doesn’t greet with me with anger or violence. Instead he greets me with open arms. He greets me with understanding or the desire to understand my past, my pain… me. He greets me with so much love. He is so gentle and warm. He is affectionate and empathetic. He is everything I have ever wanted in a man and I have ever wanted in life.
So why do I think of you?
I think of you because when I go to him with a concern or a fear he doesn’t get angry or irritated. He talks to me and he listens. And that is something I do not know how to handle. That is something I am not used to. So I thank him and he responds with confusion. You taught me how to accept anger and now I am learning how to accept understanding and patience.
I think of you because of the trauma…. whether it is a very low trauma response…. it still exists. And when I think of you it is because I think about how things would’ve been if I would have stayed and continued to allow your abuse. I think of you when he holds me when I cry because you ignored me. I think of you when he responds to my text messages with thoughtfulness because you would ignore me. I think of you when he tells me he loves me because you would never say it to me without conditions attached to it. I think of you because he is teaching me how to accept a healthy love and a love that is built with a strong foundation of communication and acceptance of who the other is and who they are working to become. I think of you because you tried to control me and break me. I think of you because without that I wouldn’t be so lucky to experience this type of love.
I think of you because you prepared me for the love I receive every day I open my eyes. I think of you with the empowerment that one day I will never think of the ways you treated me while he treats me the way I deserve. I won’t think of you because I will be used to being treated so gently and so amazingly.
I think of you now, so that I won’t think of you later.
I think of you and what you didn’t do.
While I experience life with him doing all that you were never capable of doing.
And for that. I thank me. I thank me for walking away and giving myself another shot at what healthy love is to be. So, although I think of you.
I think about me more.