I try my best to forget….

I try my best to forget all of the things that I’ve been through in my past with my abuse and even thinking further on my medical condition and how growing up I was even subjected to abuse when it came to my genetics.

I try my best to forget about how it felt in my whole body… my stomach.. thinking about how I was treated. Crying my eyes out on the floor. I think about how I felt when I was told “well maybe if you fucked me enough I wouldn’t take my anger out on you”. And how he was inching closer and closer to physical abuse.

To me, physical abuse is not nearly as difficult as emotional and psychological abuse. And I feel this way (not taking away physical abuse or making anyone’s story inferior to physical abuse) because when I look at my current relationship I am fearful of doing certain things or saying certain things because of how I was treated mentally and emotionally in the past. I didn’t realize these things for a long time but I am realizing them now.

And I work every day to now have my past become the very thing that crippled my future and my future with my significant other. I don’t want him to feel as if I don’t trust him. Because I do, with everything in me.

However the flash backs and the PTSD are very much still real and live within me. Often times I have to push myself and encourage myself to say and do the things I want to (healthily and non selfishly) in my relationship so that my past isn’t controlling me. And over time the pain and fear have decreased and I have watched myself become a stronger version of who I used to be.

I try my best to forget. And huge part of me feels like I’ll never forget. And that’s not a bad thing. I think that’s something that I need to keep me moving forward. I feel if I forget then I am going to slip back into my old ways of allowing behavior for any and everyone. I have to remember what it felt like so that I won’t allow it happen again.

But not enough to cripple me and who I am and what I am working to achieve in life and with my relationships whether they are platonic or romantic.

I try to forget….. but as I remember I remind myself of what I used to be and where I currently am. And it’s such a beautiful reminder that there is a life and there is certainly love after abuse. 💜

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