The monster under my bed

It’s crazy when you look at things in hindsight.

When you think you knew something or you knew someone and it turns out you really didn’t.

Or you tried to forget.

Repress.

Supress.

Hide from it.

You were the nicest person I had ever met. Kind.. Gentle.. Loving.. Protective..

But you were also the monster under my bed.

And I didn’t realize that until recently. It’s crazy when you get on this journey of mental health but you never know what you are going to find under the stones you pick up.

I just don’t understand why?

Why did you or her or anyone else look at me and decide “I am going to take my anger out on you”.

I was young and innocent and my innocence was taken. My innocence was destroyed by anger. So much anger. Everyone’s anger was taken out on me.

Their issues and struggles and pain were taken out on me.

How is that fair?

Why me?

And I hate asking that question because it appears like I feel the world is out to get me.

But the only person I thought was here to protect me turns out they were apart of the most traumatic parts of my life.

The first man who ever put his hands on me was you.

Open hand smacked in the face at the age of 10 over something I didn’t do. You listened to everyone but me. And I didn’t even do what I was accused of.

I got my hair done my senior year in high school and I didn’t know my hair stylist was shaving a part of my hair. How was I supposed to know what that felt like? And you said to me “Well the last time you didn’t know something was happening to you… you were raped”.

Victim shamed.

You let her tell me being raped for a second time was my fault.

And you didn’t defend me or say anything to her at all.

So who was I to you after all?

Because from here, it just feels like someone you neglected to protect.

You did all you could for me. Or so I thought.

You protected me. But you sheltered me and didn’t let me live.

You loved me. But you hurt me.

You hurt me to the point where I began to suppress it and force myself to only see the good and not the bad.

The severe trauma bond I formed because we needed to get away from her but was it like picking the lesser of two evils?

I’m conflicted because on the one hand I remember the good times.

But those are never enough to erase the bad times.

I close my eyes and I wake up screaming and in the corner of my room shaking in fear and rushing to turn on the lights.

Turns out, it was from you.

You are apart of the reason.

How am I to cope with you being the sweetest person to me?

But you were also the monster under my bed.

Turns out my biggest fear wasn’t her.

It was you.

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