red flags: Dating after abuse
Dating with intent means you are dating with a purpose. Dating with a purpose requires that you identify the red flags when dating after abuse. I released an Intentional Dating Workbook that is a roadmap to dating with intent. Here is how to identify red flag in dating after abuse:
What are the red flags?
Red Flag: “all of my exes are crazy”
- How do they talk about their exes?
- Firstly, the way that someone talks about their exes is important. Narcissists are master manipulators and they use their tactics to garner sympathy and pity from their victims. Furthermore, it is very important to pay attention to how someone speaks about their exes. If a healthy person states that their last relationship didn’t work out, they went their separate ways because the relationship simply did not work out, that is a green flag. Red flags are when they are victimizing themselves and labeling all of their exes as “crazy” and “unstable”. Similarly, as a survivor of abuse, I provide in depth examples of my experiences from my ex and how he treated me. However, I do not refer to him as crazy, psycho, mentally unstable, and calling them out of their name. Those are red flags. Undeniably, how they speak about their ex, is eventually how they will speak about you if the relationship goes sour.
green Flag: if they wanted to, they would
- Do their words match their actions?
- Secondly, do they follow up their words with action? If they say they are going to do something do they actually do it? Hence why it is important in establishing intent and/or if someone is genuinely interested in you. If someone says, “I am going to pick you up at 8 pm tonight and take you on a date”, but no call no show. That is an example of their words not matching their actions. First things to remember, narcissists and toxic people like to talk a big game. If they paint the picture to you that they love sending good morning and good night messages because they want you to know they are thinking about you, but you never receive any of those… INTENT. If they say that they are going to support you and be there for you emotionally, never treat you the way your ex treated you, and then they do the exact opposite. RED FLAG. Their big words need to be followed up with bigger actions. If they wanted to, they would.
Red Flag: if they do not respect your boundaries they do not respect you
- Do they respect your boundaries?
- Thirdly, setting boundaries can happen at any point and time in your relationship. There is not a specific time table of when you set boundaries with a person. However, if they do not respect the boundaries that you set, they do not respect you. Boundary: “if we are in a disagreement and we choose to table the conversation because it is getting too heated, we need to revisit the conversation when we have cooled down”. Crossing boundary: They continue to argue with you and escalate the situation. They do not respect the boundary that you have set, they do not respect you. Boundary: “I do not want to scream and yell, if we disagree let’s discuss it in a calm manner and not call each other names”. Crossing boundary: Calling you out of your name and screaming at you. Red flag. Thus, if they do not respect your boundaries they do not respect you.
green flag: do not waste your time or theirs
- Do they have the same goals as you?
- Finally, though not a red flag completely, something you need to keep an eye out for. Are you guys looking for the same thing? Long-term relationship? Marriage? Monogamy? Children? No Children? etc. Generally, If your goals do not align, you are wasting your time and you are wasting their time. Are you looking to build a strong relationship built on healthy communication? Having deeper conversations to determine what kind of relationship the other is looking for is very important. If you go on a date, and you are looking for a long term relationship and they are looking for casual dating, your goals do not align. You do not want to waste your time, nor do you want to waste their time. It is okay to move on.
coaching and guidance to dating with intent
Dating with intent is a style of relationship coaching that I specialize in. Though, I offer coaching sessions for all things abuse and relationships, my passion is helping survivors of narcissistic, toxic, and abusive relationships find healthy love after abuse. On the positive side, love after abuse does exist. I am living proof that it does exist, as I am married to the man I intentionally dated. Using these tips and tricks that I have had success with can help you find the person you have been longing for.
Dating with intent begins with getting to know who you are, what you want, and what you need in a relationship. It requires that you have a deeper understanding of yourself. It is important that you have the tools to be able to identify the red flags while dating after abuse. Are you willing to do the work? If so check out my intentional dating workbook that offers 100 pages of educational content, manifestations, tips, and 16 writing prompts to get to know YOU and what YOU need.
Coach Nia Renee signing off!
As I always say:
- Drink some water
- Get some Rest
- Don’t let nobodies dusty ass child treat you any kind of way
Love you #batteredhearts💜
Intentional Dating Workbook by How to Love A Battered Woman: https://www.amazon.com/Intentional-Dating-Workbook-Battered-Woman/dp/B0BVCT455B/ref=sr_1_1?qid=1678861178&refinements=p_27%3ANia+Renee&s=books&sr=1-1&text=Nia+Renee