How do I trust myself again after being in abusive relationships?
The number one question I get when I am coaching clients is, “Coach Nia Renee, how do I learn to trust myself again after I have been in abusive relationships? Obviously I cannot trust myself to make the right decisions because I picked wrong in the past”. It is so easy to lose trust in yourself because often times we tend to not listen to our gut feelings and what our bodies are saying, surely we don’t trust ourselves to do it post abusive relationships right? Wrong.
Let’s take a look at a few of my favorite ways to practice trusting ourselves again.
Forgiving ourselves for the things we had to do in order to survive
Forgiveness is such an important and major step in not only healing, but also in being able to trust ourselves again. Often times we hear that we are supposed to forgive others in order to heal. And I disagree. I disagree because forgiving others feels (to me) like I am doing it to help the person who wronged me, feel better. I don’t have to forgive someone else in order to heal, but I do need to forgive myself to heal. But, you are probably wondering how do you forgive yourself? Don’t worry we will get there.
You have to forgive yourself for what you did in order to survive because we know better now. We we had to make decisions in our previous relationships, whether romantic or platonic, that we shouldn’t have had to do. Hindsight is always 20/20 and forgiving ourselves opens the space to healing and beginning the journey to trusting ourselves again. Additionally, forgiving ourselves gives us the opportunity to heal ourselves from the internal personal gaslighting we subject ourselves to.
Trusting our bodies when it is telling us something
One way to begin trusting yourself again is by listening to your body when it is telling you something. You need to be able to identify what your body is telling you because your body doesn’t like something. Especially when you start dating again, it is important to listen to your body when it is telling you something about the person you are around. Does your body tense up? Do you shy away? Are you scared to be near them? Are you closed off? Do you feel safe around them? Those are all signs you should pay attention to.
How do I listen to what my body is telling me?
- Identify what you are feeling and recognize the environment you are in
- For example, if you are on a date with someone and you are anxious identify that feeling
- Identify your surroundings
- Where are you and what are you doing?
- For example, if you are on a date with someone, are you in a public place, what public place are you in ? Is this specific place triggering your anxiety or is it the person you are with?
- Where are you and what are you doing?
- Acknowledge how you feel and accept it
- You have to acknowledge that you’re feeling a specific thing and you need to accept that is what is happening
- Often times we tend to ignore the feeling instead of accepting the feeling we are experiencing
- You have to acknowledge that you’re feeling a specific thing and you need to accept that is what is happening
When you put all of the steps together you will be able to identify how you feel, where you are, why you are feeling that way, and acknowledge that it exists. If we ignore how we feel that causes us to ignore the red flags and deal breakers in relationships. We have become conditioned to believe that we are living in the past and that we haven’t healed from our previous trauma. Although that may be true because we are never 100% healed, it is not the reality. Our bodies know when something is not safe and when our bodies are trying to tell us something.
How do i start the process of forgiving myself
When my clients ask me how to start the process to forgiving yourself, I task them with writing a love letter to themselves.
I want you to write a love letter to yourself. I want you to forgive yourself for the decisions you had to make while you were in your previous relationships. I want you to forgive yourself
for the things you had to do during your previous relationships. I want you to pour into yourself. Give YOU the love you deserve. If you haven’t purchased a copy of my intentional dating workbook (linked in text), this is one of the writing prompts that accompanies the 100 page workbook. It is the foundation of healing (my personal opinion as a relationship coach) because you set the standard of love for yourself. But, within that you have to forgive yourself for the decisions that you had to make. Furthermore, you must prioritize yourself and give yourself the things you wish other people would give you.
I recently released my first self published book called, Letters To You (linked in text), and it you will be able to read the letter that I wrote to myself, just this year! Writing a letter to yourself for love and encouragement gives you the opportunity to reread it when you need a pock me up. Journaling and writing letters to the people who have caused you significant pain is a freeing experience. They have been my foundation for healing and has helped me process my thoughts and feelings giving me a place to put my feelings to release and come back to at a later time.
In conclusion
Write yourself a love letter!Give it everything you have! And if you are looking for any additional encouragement or coaching checkout my links below! 💜
Coaching Sessions with Nia Renee: https://howtoloveabatteredwoman.com/coaching/
Workbooks and Journals: https://www.amazon.com/stores/Nia-Renee/author/B0C38GCDQG?ref=ap_rdr&store_ref=ap_rdr&isDramIntegrated=true&shoppingPortalEnabled=true
