“You’re never going to be anything other than a slut or a whore”
You are fat and stupid” “You are ugly” “You are a little bitch and you are never going to be good for anything more than laying on your back”
…all of the things that I have been told since as long as I could remember. Plus more. Growing up in a negative environment and a toxic environment it stained on my skin. It was who I became, because why not? The person who participated in giving me life told me so. So why would I ever be anything more than those words?
I told myself for years I didn’t deserve anyone’s love because I couldn’t be loved by the one sole person who carried me inside of their body for 6.5 months. So why would I ever deserve love if she couldn’t bring herself to love me long enough to be nurturing to me? Those are the questions I raised. I remember being 12 years old crying my eyes out to this person about being sexually abused by my half sister. And she didn’t do a single thing. She didn’t protect me, she didn’t do anything. Someone who is 7 years older than me had been sexually abusing me since I was 4 years old. Since I was 4, that was my first memory. The first thing I can ever recall remembering is being sexually abused by my half sister who was supposed to be another source of protection. And I told
her. She did nothing.
So, since the beginning of time that I can remember I was never deserving of love or protection.
But why not? Why am I not deserving of love? Why is a girl like me not deserving of love?
Well the answer is, I am.
But I had to teach myself that. I had to stop seeing my bruised self esteem in the mirror and remind myself that I do deserve love. And women and men like me deserve to be loved. The sweetest, amazing, selfless love.
Why don’t I deserve love from people?
I asked myself that for years and during this process my answers were:
- I don’t deserve love from people because I ask for too much
- I don’t deserve love because if
shecouldn’t love me, then for damn sure no one else would
- I don’t deserve love because I cry too much
- I don’t deserve love because I hurt too much
- I don’t deserve love because I have crippling anxiety
- I don’t deserve love because I flinch when someone sneezes or when someone moves too quickly
- I don’t deserve love because if I have to ask someone to love me, it’ll hurt too much if they aren’t wanting to do it to begin with
- I don’t deserve love because I have been touched in damaging ways
- I don’t deserve love because someone took my virtue and my pride
- I don’t deserve love because who would love the girl who’s been abused?
- I don’t deserve love because who would love the girl who has been abandoned and has severe abandonment issues?
But one day I sat back and I realized….
And I even cried…
And then I fucking looked myself inside my soul and I told myself that I do deserve love!
It does not matter what stones have been casted at this glass house..
It does not matter that
she didn’t love me..
It didn’t matter that
he abused me..
It doesn’t matter that someone took things from me..
Those things make me that much more deserving of love. I have so much love to give. I wear my heart on my sleeve. So it started with myself. I fell so deeply in love with myself that I told me that I do deserve it. I deserve to be treated like a human being. I deserved to be treated like a regular person and not the girl with all the damaged goods. And my best friend taught me that. She told me that I deserved to let someone love me. And she was going to allow me to be me. She said that it doesn’t matter if I was anxious that day or manically depressed the next day. It does not matter. Love should not change. And she told me that love is love no matter what the person is going through. So I let myself fall. I let myself feel like I was okay with me. I let my walls down and I let all my cards on the table. I laid a full 360 degree picture of myself and I allowed another person to love me. And me allowing someone to love me was allowing me to love myself for who I was too. So why would I not be deserving of love? Because I cry too much? I was loved anyway. I didn’t smile that day and complained about everything. I was loved anyway. I laughed all day and even though it was masking my deeper anxiety and my anxiety eventually bloomed, it didn’t matter. I was loved anyway. I was shaking with fear and curled up in a ball and I didn’t move for hours. I was loved anyway. Love… love doesn’t dictate which part of you they get to love. Love decides to love all of you.
This has taught me monumental things about myself. It has taught me that regardless of how broken I am/was that it does not matter I still deserve love and will always deserve love. My best friend tells me that she isn’t doing anything different or anything out of the ordinary, she just treats me like a human being. And I want to tell her, “I have not always been seen as a human being… kind, gentle, sweet, forgiving, loving, selfless characteristics are foreign to me. So I thank you for being my angel in disguise and for allowing me to fall and to be caught because without it I am not sure I would’ve learned love the way that love taught me when I met you”.
But with that being said I had to look deep within myself and allow myself to take that leap of faith to trust that someone was going to do everything that they said they were going to do. Being let down for 21 years in a row it is difficult to imagine that anyone could ever mean what they say (apart from my father and a select few). But it is hard to let yourself go. But I can no longer limit myself to what I believe I don’t deserve and have to start treating myself like I deserve it all.
I am battered, but fuck it. Because I didn’t choose this life, this life chose me, but this life won’t be given the option break me. And that confidence I do fucking deserve.
Because that confidence is me loving me enough to deserve the world.