So, my boyfriend and I were talking and he pointed that I overthink everything I say to him and that he feels like I can never truly relax around him and that I am always nervous what to say to him. A portion of that comes from my PTSD and my desire to want to maintain control and keep my shield up. I am scared to make the wrong move because I haven’t ever dated someone that has actually been nice. Genuinely. So, I keep overthinking everything. So I guess my question would be, how do you deal with anxiety within your relationship? I just feel like I am tainted in a sense and I am scared to leave a “stain” on him.
Okay so first of all. I want to say that you are absolutely brave! And I am so so so proud of you for recognizing the issues and recognizing your mental health and that you are indeed wanting to address it and fix it.
That’s first and foremost. Most people can’t recognize that and want to make a change.
I think the most important thing is that, it is hard. Absolutely. I struggle every day. In fact I am struggling today. It is hard for me today. But at the end of it we have to remember that we will not succeed in a relationship thinking that we aren’t going to make it. You absolutely HAVE to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Give him the benefit of the doubt that you won’t taint him. That’s for him to decide and realize if that’s what you are doing. The only way our spouses are going to get through this is by understanding and being knowledgeable of why we are the way we are and knowing that we want to work on it and get better.
As far as anxiety goes… in a relationship. It never fully subsides. My walls are still up for sure. And it’s going to take time for that to change. And that’s okay too. But for ys to be able to understand and for us to get through it. We need 100% understanding from our partners and that goes for us having to be vulnerable and open up that part of us, so they can get it.
The hardest part about being in a healthy relationship is understanding that it is healthy. It is normal for couples to disagree without it turning into an altercation. It is normal for couples to get into arguments without it turning violent. It happens. That is healthy. However, coming from dysfunctional and abusive it is difficult to keep those things in perspective when it comes to anxiety. Anxiety in a relationship for a survivor honestly feels like it never goes away. But that’s when it comes to both people and both perspectives to be able to discuss and work on it together.
It’s important for your partner to understand that you have gone through some really difficult things. That’s what I mean when I say, give the benefit of the doubt. We must give the benefit of the doubt because it’s not fair to assume they are going to be any kind of way without giving them the chance to show you. Which is absolutely terrifying. But it’s completely unfair to place them in the shoes of the past. I’ve learned personally that it did more harm than good to my relationship trying to keep my past from my current. It caused harm because he didn’t understand what was happening or why. And he thought that it was him. So I had to disclose some of the most vulnerable pieces of my past. And in doing so it actually changed the whole entire vibe of my relationship.
Being in a healthy relationship where it is completely foreign for someone to actually be genuine and mean what they say or do. Sometimes it does cause second guessing. And that in itself is frustrating. Not just yourself but to your partner. It causes frustration in thinking that they can never do anything right. And it causes frustration in yourself because you want more than anything than to not second guess or over think. Anxiety is so annoying. But, this is where you have to communicate with your partner and let them know that your anxiety is getting the best of you. That you may need some reassurance. It’s okay, it is more than okay than to tell your partner the type of love you need to receive. Don’t fear that. Because it’s communicating what you need so that they can communicate what it is they need as well.
Communicating is the most important, but I do understand that it can be scary. It is intimidating because we don’t know how they are going to take it. It can be embarrassing because we aren’t sure what they are going to think of us because of what we went through. And in the giving them the benefit of the doubt we have to have a small amount of hope that it is going to go well. So we have to take that chance so that we make it fair for the both of us. That’s the only way we are going to get through it with the help and love of the person who wants to love us for us.
It is scary.
Anxiety is a bitch.
Surviving isn’t always easy.
But in order to thrive and keep moving through it, we must face it all.
Let’s keep surviving! 💜🙏🏽
And a special thanks to the survivor who wanted some advice and brave enough to share this.