I missed me more…

The person that I have become and becoming is something that I have been working on for quite some time. And during my growth I have hit some bumps in the road. And along those bumps in the road, in order to “change” myself and how I handled things, I began to lose myself. Now, in hindsight, there were a lot of changes that I have made that I am proud of and I am glad that I acknowledged that I wanted to change them and make them better, for myself.

But, in time I was able to see what was happening that I couldn’t see in the beginning. I was changing, trying to change, being told to change, needing to change, all while I am working on things that I cannot change the fact that I have no control over them. And in the process of doing all of this, the support I needed was not what I was receiving. The encouragement that I was needing I was not getting. And in the process I was becoming insecure and anxious that I was always doing something wrong because I was not being affirmed. I was being belittled and condescended and talked down on. And that was something that took me quite some time to realize.

It took me having to deal with it a few times and watched how it was slowly affecting me, and the more it happened the more I closed myself up. I shut down in ways that I only know how to do when I feel as if the walls are closing in on me. I had to realize this for what it was and that took me some time to do. But, once I realized I wanted so severely to try and see if it can change and be fixed. I was open in communication on how I was feeling without being accusatory. Without hitting below the belt and most importantly without fighting dirty. I realized all of these things were not being reciprocated. And along the way I started to notice the red flags that I was told I didn’t notice in prior situations.

I started to really miss me.

I started to really realize what was happening and once I did I was beginning to decide what to do, because I had already been vocal in the behaviors that were hurting me and causing me to not want to be who I was without the fear of being ridiculed. It seemed as if there was nothing that I could do that wouldn’t result in the side effect of a response that was negative. I was told that I wasn’t doing something, so I tried to do it and do it well, and it was not when it should have been. There were things I simply could not do in certain circumstances because I literally had not control over what was happening. However, the more I was badgered and screamed at and belittled about what I was not doing, only pushed me away to not wanting to do it more. And the worse it got, the more I wanted to remove myself from the equation.

The worse it got, the more afraid I felt, the more scared I was getting, the more uncomfortable I had felt, the more I realized I was needing to find a way out, because it wasn’t conducive for either parties. It got to a place of unhealthiness for both parties. If I was unable to fulfill the needs of someone else, and was making them unhappy or untrusting of me, I needed to remove myself from the situation. And in the fact that I was feeling unsafe and unhappy and that I could do no right, I needed to remove myself from the equation.

Potential can only last for a small amount of time. And I missed me more than any potential there could have been for things to work out or for potential for things to change and be the situation I dreamed of in my head. And I had to clear the idea that potential would turn into a situation that should have not been confrontational from the beginning. It should have been simple. It should have been the picture I drew in my head. Yet it was the version at which I saw in my nightmares. So I started to miss me more. I started to miss who I was becoming and who I was working so hard to be with the hopes that I can make it out the other side of this alive. And by alive, I mean by having the light at the end of the tunnel to secure what I wholeheartedly believe in, healthiness.

I missed me more. So I had to choose me first, and I started choosing me far before I decided to make it public. There are only so many times you can make it known about something that is hurting you and the behaviors do not change before you realize that it should be easy and should only be stated once. But that was not the case. Everyone is entitled to how they feel, what bothers them, what hurts them, what is making them upset. How someone feels is 100% valid, however, the tools at which are used to express that, is what creates simplicity or confrontation. And it seemed to always be confrontation, regardless of any way an issue was presented. And the only way something was presented to me was by confrontation.

So I decided to miss me and I had to choose me.

I chose me over the idea of potential when it should be what it is. And that is the mentality I have been left with. It is what it is. SO I am going to pick me, choose me, and love me. I am going to do this more than anything else. I can’t live off of broken dreams instead of facing reality. I missed me so much. I missed who I was and how strong I was growing myself to be. And I was losing sight of that to try and make something fit that wasn’t going to fit. It was like trying to fit a square into a circle hole. I missed me. I missed focusing on me and what I was doing to better myself rather than what I “wasn’t” doing and how I needed to do it better. I needed to choose myself because in the end I am the only person who can truly make me grow. I had to let go of the idea of the potential that was displayed and not ignoring the facts that was being displayed in my every day life. I missed me so much, that I chose me. And I chose me far before I packed my bags to leave in hopes that it was seen that my foot was halfway out the door. But I chose me, over potential. I chose my over what “could be”. I chose me over what “should’ve been”. I chose me over what “would’ve been”. And damn I have missed me. And I need to rebuild myself to whom I was wanting to grow myself in before this all. I could no longer decide to hinder my growth because I was in love with the idea of potential. I am in love with me far more than the idea of something that could have been when it should have been from the beginning. And I had to erase the picture I had in my head and choose me. Because I fucking missed me.

I saw your potential without seeing credentials

Maybe that’s the issue

can’t hold that shit against you

Guess I did it to myself

Thought you were somebody else

But it was all in my head

-In my head, Ariana Grande

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