I have intimacy issues. I have safety issues.
I spent majority of my previous relationship thinking and believing that I have intimacy issues. And I cannot say that it was a completely wrong thought or a wrong path of thought. But, being told over and over again that I need to work on my intimacy issues I believed that I in fact did have them. But, with hindsight and soul searching I have concluded that I do not have intimacy issues.
I have intimacy issues. I have safety issues.
I thought that my issues came down to me not wanting to be vulnerable. Which is not the case at all. I spend majority of my days and my nights praying that I am able to be able to reach my peak level of vulnerability in a relationship with someone. I crave the idea of being able to be 13834% vulnerable with another human being. Since, I spent majority of my life never feeling safe, comfortable, or allowed to be vulnerable. I want that more than anything. So, in my previous relationship when I wasn’t having sex with him enough, I would literally be screamed at for my lack of intimacy. I have always been the type of person that once I do not feel safe or comfortable, I hide. I am not able to physically give myself to someone when they want me to, I then have to do it on my terms and when I feel within my body that I am safe and okay to do so.
I was molested (incested) at the age of 4 and I was raped at 15 and 18 and forced to have an ex perform oral sex on me while we were in a relationship at the age of 21. So, the exact moment I stop trusting, I stop feeling safe, I stop feeling okay is when my
intimacy issues safety issues come into the equation. I spent my whole entire previous relationship blaming my intimacy issues safety issues on myself and that I had let go of the past. I spent a lot of time blaming myself and thinking that something was wrong with me when my soul, mind, body, and physical energy was telling me that the space I was in was unsafe. I spent a lot of money on detoxes, intimacy pills to kick my libido up, and doctor appointments on changing my birth control thinking that was the reason why my libido was low. I thought I was lacking the proper hormones so I changed my birth control ($3,000 with terrible insurance) so that I could get my libido together. I spent a lot of time being upset with myself for my intimacy issues safety issues.
Post relationship I realized that it was not me. Post relationship I realized that it was indeed the place that was being built for me. I had/have been actively working on my trauma with journal therapy and acquiring a new therapist. Post relationship I realized that I was not the problem. I have always been a sexual human being. I have worked hard to live in my sexuality and wanting to be in control of my sexuality since I am a victim of a lot of versions of sexual assault and rape. I want nothing more than to be sexually free and to do what I will with my body and do so on my terms. I want nothing more than to share my body with the man that I love and that I am with in a relationship without fear of repercussion if I don’t. I want to be able to share love with a man without being afraid that I am going to have to deal with anger issues and temper tantrums if I do not have the ability to do so, due to me being on my menstrual cycle. My deepest thoughts and prayers are that I am able to unleash the ability to be vulnerable with my sexuality within a relationship context and not be afraid. I want that more than anything under the sun, because I fucking deserve to have that freedom.
What I need the most in this life is for someone to create that safety zone for me to be allowed to be who I am supposed to be. I want that freedom to be who I was designed to be naturally. I want nothing more than to be able to know what that feels like, because I have never had that before. And it is so powerful to crave something that I have never had before. Sexuality does not turn me on, emotionality does. Seeing that another human being can look at me, face all of what I have been through and still hold my hand and want to be there on the other side of it all, turns me on. I want nothing more than someone to accept my flaws and to accept the way that I need to be loved (guidance of my love me journal if needed due to lack of communication skills) and decide that they want to do this every single day and create a safe place for me to land.
So, in hindsight. I do not have intimacy issues. I have safety issues. The moment I feel fear, the moment I have to beg a man to be nice to me. The moment I have to beg a man to love me gently and not have to tell him to, for him to want to. I do not feel safe. And the moment I stop feeling safe, the moment someone stops giving me that safe place, the moment someone decides to bully me, belittle me, degrade me, and make me feel as if I am worthless the shop is closed of all sales.
I spent a lot of time blaming myself and not realizing that the issue was not within me. The issue was with what was around me and the environment I was placed in. I had to realize that I do not have these issues because I have worked through a lot of my issues. But it is natural for a sexual assault victim to need to be loved a little bit gentler. I need to not be bullied or feel like my body is a playground and my heart is not to be cared for. It was not me, it was him. And at the end of the day, yes, I still have those harsh reminders of the past when it comes to my abuse, because I have to live it every single day and be on a continuous reminder that I am safe. And in order for me to keep that reminder that I am safe, I actually have to be safe. So….
intimacy issues safety issues.
I can say that out loud now that I have had the realization. I do not have intimacy issues, I have safety issues.