It’s like I checked into rehab.
I’ve completely isolated myself and have focused on me, solely me, since my break up in February. And it is the most liberating feeling in the world.
I was speaking with a coworker and we discussed that time apart or time alone is like personal rehabilitation for the mind, body, and the soul. It’s a real connection with yourself to figure out what is needed and not needed in the world of yourself.
And it’s like I’ve checked out completely to outside emotions and others needs (not selfishly but whole heartedly selfless to myself). But I have completely secluded myself emotionally in an isolated room to go through the detox state of breaking this addiction that I seem to continuously fall back into. Subduction relationships..
As usual is started with denial and with the cold sweats. And then slowly made its way to hallucinations. My hallucinations were completely of everything that I had emotionally experienced in my previous relationship. I replayed every single memory. I replayed everything as if I was reliving it. And during this seclusion of self and during the restoration of mental health, I realized that I was actually going through it. I actually went through that. I actually experienced it.
It wasn’t something that I made up. I was being mentally mind fucked on a continuous basis. I was reliving something I told myself I would never live again. And here I was. So I had to check right back into rehab. So now I am in emotional isolation and discovering that I absolutely fucking love who I am. I love what I see when I look in the mirror. I love when I feel when I think of how far I’ve come in just a few months.
I am 109 days sober. Not sober from alcohol. Not sober from drugs. Not sober from sex. I am 109 days sober from abuse. I am 109 days sober without that achingly painful craving to accept love from just anybody. I am learning how to accept love from me…. From myself. From my soul. From my thoughts.
This journey has been placed to live with a freedom I’ve never know. 26 years on this earth and I’m finally able to accept the love I deserve and that love that I deserve absolutely starts from myself. That starts from deep within. I am in EMDR with my therapist and although it is painful as all fucking hell (YouTube video coming this week!!) I am so irrevocably in love with ME. And it’s teaching me that my PTSD… is without a doubt an injury. Not a disorder that cannot be fixed.
I am in rehabilitation.
Love abuse rehabilitation. And I won’t stop. Until I never have to check back into this rehab center… ever again.