I was under the influence of pain. -Jhene Aiko, Nobody
I have never heard realer words that reflect the life that I have lived and continue to live.
Since the age of 4 I have been subjected to an abundance of pain.
And when I see baby photos of me it makes me cry. It uncontrollably makes me sob because I cannot simply understand how someone could hurt such an innocent child. I could never understand that someone could look at an innocent child and choose to abuse them.
That’s what it was. It was abuse and it stained everything my future would hold until I gave myself the tools that I didn’t know I needed to have or be equipped with. I had to learn all of my lessons the hard way because of the people who were supposed to protect me, didn’t.
The abuse I was subjected to in my entire 28 years is something that I am very shocked to be on the side of advocacy I that I am now. For awhile I headed down the path of a narcissist. I thought the world was out to get me. That every single person no matter their intentions, they were going to hurt me. I started to verbally abuse people. I was the victim. And as real as that was. It didn’t justify my behavior.
Somehow I was able to realize that my anger from my past and the treatment I was given made me hateful. It made me spiteful. It made me have a lot of unresolved anger issues. I never understood where it came from though. I never understood why everywhere I looked I was in so much pain. My body was tense all of the time. My anxiety was high. I was in a ton of pain. And I never knew why.
I realized that I needed to turn my anger into something. I couldn’t keep subjecting people to the pain I endured. I was only 17-18. But I knew I needed to not be so mean. I started to write (more than normal) and I was able to create a space for myself to reflect on the pain I was holding inside of me.
I chose a different path at a younger age because I always had the question in my mind, “why would you treat anyone the way that you’ve been treated”.
However, people continued to treat me the way they have been treated.
My childhood built the foundation to me picking abusive partners. Abuse was all I knew.
Life was very hard for me. Since I was 4. It still is. It is a different kind of pain now.
But I chose different.
The wounds have healed. But there is scar tissue and residual damage.
Healing doesn’t stop when the wound has been cleaned, bandaged, stitched, etc.
The scars still throb when it rains outside.
But the pain lessens as the days go on. 💜