I was under the influence of pain. -Jhene Aiko, Nobody I have never heard realer words that reflect the life that I have lived and continue to live. Since the age of 4 I have been subjected to an abundance of pain. And when I see baby photos of me it makes me cry. It …
The monster under my bed
It's crazy when you look at things in hindsight. When you think you knew something or you knew someone and it turns out you really didn't. Or you tried to forget. Repress. Supress. Hide from it. You were the nicest person I had ever met. Kind.. Gentle.. Loving.. Protective.. But you were also the monster …
Today I decided I am angry
And you know what? That's perfectly okay. It’s okay to be angry and feel all the emotions that accompany the anger because you’ve spent so much of your life suppressing how you feel. You did this because you were more concerned about their feelings but you weren’t concerned about your own feelings. But did they …
You need to smile more
"You need to smile more you're a live you should be happy about that". But what if I am not? What if I am not happy that I have to live with the fact that I had brain surgery and this brain condition called Chiari Malformation changed my life? What if I am not happy …
But you don’t look sick
Is the most condescending comment we get. Having an invisible illness comes with several invalidating comments and questions. Well why do you sleep so much? Why do you always tell us you are going to the doctor? Gosh you go to the doctor so much! These comments invalidate our whole existence. And we are 100% …
I am not very gentle with myself
And that is something that I am working on every single day. I am the person who doesn't want to fail. And I push myself past my limits because I know that I am only going to achieve my goals if I push myself hard enough to get there. Why am I like this? I …
What is it like?
That question comes up a lot. What is it like? What is it like to be in a relationship with someone or have a relationship with someone who's only goal is to manipulate your reality and destroy you. I know that seems "dramatic" but that is the reality of what it is like to date …
I have to remind myself…..
That I need to advocate for myself. That I need to fight. That I need to eat. And not only do I need to eat but I need to remind myself to eat 3 x a day. Those of you who struggle with chronic illness, anxiety, PTSD, depression, etc. understand what this means. It means …
I try my best to forget….
I try my best to forget all of the things that I’ve been through in my past with my abuse and even thinking further on my medical condition and how growing up I was even subjected to abuse when it came to my genetics. I try my best to forget about how it felt in …
I think about you often….but not the way you think
It has been almost two years since I decided to leave you for my safety and for my mental health. And now more than ever, I think about you......often. But not like you think. You see, since I left you I took my mental health more serious than ever. I went to see not one... …
Continue reading "I think about you often….but not the way you think"
