I used to be so afraid of being happy. In my life happiness always seemed to come with severe consequences.
It all began when I had to testify in court and move schools because of something I honestly would rather not discuss.
BUT, after that. It all went down-hill. I was happy for a small amount of time and then my grandfather, who was my best friend, more than what my dad was at the time, committed suicide. My world continuously kept crashing around me. It seemed like I couldn’t catch a break for what seemed like my whole entire life, give or take 7 years.
After I finally got back on my feet I was experiencing bullying, abuse, sexual abuse, and continuous pressures to conform to abusive behaviors. I was raped, I was hurt, I was raped again, I fell in love, I was sexually assaulted by him, and then I was used as his personal rag doll. I simply could never escape trauma and pain knocking at my front door.
In the end, I ended up living in a world of depression that ultimately became my comfort zone. I literally moved in and stayed with depression, trauma, anxiety, and abuse. I figured if I lived there they wouldn’t have to keep popping up, they would just stay there. And it became my comfort zone. Happiness was so far from my comfort zone that I was always surrounded by drama and toxic behaviors because I thought that it was the norm, and that is not okay.
How do you look yourself in the mirror knowing that you are living in the dark because you are too afraid of the light?
I was so afraid of getting to a new place of happiness and that it would come crashing down that I stayed in the same place. I became comfortable in pain. And once I realized that I had to get away from that, my life changed. It has continued to change.
I am in the best place in my life that I have been emotionally, I am in the healthiest relationship that I have ever been in. I love what I do in my career, I have my family. It all seems to be in place. And it took such an up-hill battle to get over that. And some of the things that I did was look myself in the face and tell me to get my shit together. It takes knowing that you do not deserve the toxic abusive life that was shown to me for majority of my life. And that made me uncomfortable. As sad as it is I was too afraid of everything that was not abuse, I was afraid of everything that was healthy. I was afraid of it because I was never taught it, outside of a few small things, but I was never shown healthy. All I ever knew how to do since I was born 3 months early, was to fight. All I ever knew how to do was fight. But, I was not ever fighting for the right things. I was fighting so hard to keep my birth mom in my life, that it was hurting me. I stayed in an abusive relationship because I thought it was healthy to have to physically fight with someone. And that indeed, is not.
At that point I realized that I was the only one holding me back. I was the one blocking my blessings because I was too afraid to allow any positivity or happiness into my life. I had to force myself to step out of my comfort zone. And once I realized that and started taking the steps to severe self love and care, I have been the happiest I have ever been. Without fear of consequence.
Self awareness is key in realizing your own toxic traits and to rid them.
Let’s keeps surviving! 💜